Beauty...I'm so sexy

Most of my life I've been a thick girl. I lost some weight a few years ago and I've put most of it back on. I think that I will head back to Weight Watchers at the beginning of the year because I need the discipline back in my life. All that being said, I feel SO FREAKING SEXY! I feel so confident in who I am right now. It's not to say that I don't have those moments when I'm displeased with my body, but in general, I'm pleased with myself.

There may be a few of you who are reading this thinking that all that confidence will lead or has already led to pride. But, I'm not writing this blog because of pride, but because of contentment. Sometimes we strive so hard for this sense of perfection in our lives. We are constantly trying to please people or fit into some mold. People think that if they just alter their appearance they will be happy and everything will go well. They will be more attractive or get more attention. But, there is something so beautiful and freeing about being comfortable in the skin that you are in.

I understand what it feels like to not know your own beauty and to think that you are ugly. I know all too well the journey of finding beauty in yourself especially when your big hips cannot fit into the box society has marked "beautiful."

Now, I have the joy of loving myself more than I ever have. It honestly goes far beyond my appearance because that is just a branch of this towering oak. It's the joy of contentment. It's the freedom you find in knowing your place in Christ. It's not having to live up to someone else's standard, but the courage to set your own. It's the power of letting go of past hurts, rejection, the need for approval, even some of my own expectations.

There is something to be said of having a mind change. People say that beauty is skin deep, but I would disagree. Beauty must be at your very core and it starts from the inside out. When beauty is at your very heart, it seeps out of your pores. When you change your mind, you change your outlook. Changing your outlook changes how you see yourself. How you see yourself determines the value you place on yourself. The value you place on yourself will be the value others place on you. Don't stop at having a beautiful body, but make sure you have a beautiful mind.

Remembering an old friend

Today marks the anniversary of the passing of a dear friend, Mark Kudnik. He was such a wonderful man of God. When he entered the room, you knew it. His grin was always from ear to ear, and there was always praises on his lips.

I'll always remember those days I spent in the hospital room with him, and learned at his bedside. In his last days, all he talked about was his daughter. He knew that he hadn't been the best dad and he regretted that, but he loved her so much and just longed for her to know that. Heaven only knows how much I needed that; I needed to know that just because a father wasn't there didn't mean that he didn't care. I needed to know that he loved his daughter to help me believe that my father loved me.

Those days in the hospital with Mark helped me to see a different side of the coin. We ususally live in our own paradigm and never try to see anything different. But, I'm glad that God gave me a moment to glimpse into the heart of a father. He also put in my heart a desire for true and lasting reconciliation.

Over the past year, a lot has change. I've grown in so many different ways. I've forgiven those who hurt me. I let go of past pain. I also threw out the script I was rehearsing called "The Drama of My Life." In fact, this Father's Day, I made a list, not of what he didn't do, but all that he did do. I took time to remember the good stuff that goes unnoticed because we are trippin about the bad. Truthfully, Mark was a big part of that. Those weeks going to the hospital every day served as a catalyst for something that was so wonderful...grace and forgiveness. Thank you so much, Mark. I love you and you are not forgotten.

"To live as Christ, and to die is gain."

Just an observation

These days interracial dating is at a all time high. For me, it's neither here nor there. People do what they want and I'm not trippin off of it at all. I just must share this observation that I have found. Maybe someone can help me understand this. I have noticed when I got out with my girls in a laid back setting where we are mingling whenever there is a black guy with a white girl he feels compelled to come over and talk to us. I'm not really talking about hey how ya doing. No, he feels the need talk us, act goofy to make us laugh, and do some kinda song and dance.

I'm a pretty friendly and outgoing person and this would be okay if he didn't leave his white girlfriend/date on the other side of the room. Or, if she is close by he doesn't mention her or introduce her. I'm not sure about what anyone else thinks, but that is rude.

Once my ex did something like that. He's off talking to my friends not sure how to say something to me, and this girl is just standing there looking waaaaay out of place. Me being Alicia, I start talking to her. Ummm...she's there so how about we acknowledge her. I start swiftly walking down the street and he's walking fast trying to keep up with me. She is in heels several paces behind us trying to keep up. Say it with me guys..."That's rude."

Another time, Marla and I went to Coco Cafe. There is this black guy with a white girlfriend who felt compelled to come talk to us. So he's laughing and joking with us; telling us his life story. Once again, his girlfriend is just standing there. So, Marla and I start talking to her and include her in the conversation. We kinda felt bad for her cuz her man was cocky as all get out. Then, he looks at us kinda funny and says, "I'm really surprised you guys are talking to her, most black women don't." Well, let's think about this...if you stick her in a corner and you don't acknowledge her presence, I can understand why other people around won't acknowledge her presence. If you interact with her like there's something wrong, then that is what other people are going to do. Don't blame that mess on black women, when you are acting like she's not there.

Once again, tonight the same thing happened. A black guy with a white girl is all in our faces at karaoke. Now when he was sitting with her, she was hugging on him. However, he kept coming to our table trying to make conversation with us, while she was off in the cut. He got up to sing a song, "Joanna, I love you." And he dedicates the song to us, not to his girl. When we get up to leave, he's gives us hugs and has yet to mention or introduce the girl who's been hugging on him. (We did help her learn the Cupid Shuffle though.) But, as for his behavior...say it with me..."That's rude."

This is just an observation I'm making. When I see a black man with a black woman, I guarantee you he is not at our table striking up a conversation or doing a song and dance without that woman at his side. In fact, she's doing most of the talking. When I see a white man with a black woman, I don't see him flirting at a table full of white females. Help me to understand what's really going on. I personally think it's rude for you not to acknowledge the presence of the person you are with regardless of their race.

Opinions

A wise person once told me..."Other people's opinion of you is none of your business." I've added my own addendum to it..."God's opinion is the only one that counts."

That is something that we all have to come to grips with and until we do, we are walking in bondage. There is such a freedom that comes in not being a slave to other people's opinion. We all want to please the people we care about or love. Sometimes, we try to please people to make them love or care about us. It's pretty innate with in us to want the approval of others, but eventually we must learn that we can't rule our lives by it. It's really hit or miss, and if that's what we are going by, we will be on a roller coaster for the rest of our lives. Interesting thing about roller coasters is that they go 65 mph, up and down hills, through hoops, around twist and turns and in the end, you are back where you started from. Only now, you have a headache. That's exactly what happens when we try to live our lives pleasing other people.

This weekend I had a conversation with someone I love, someone I know loves me too. A few months back the person told me in so many words that I was a big disappointment to them. No one wants to be told that, it can be hurtful and sometimes cause bitterness or resentment. It's tempting to stay there. However, I decided to do two things.

The first thing I decided to do was take inventory. You know what I found; I'm not living a disappointing life. There are times when people speak curses in our lives, but we make the choice whether or not we receive them. Just because someone speaks it doesn't make it the truth. The infamous they has so many things to say, but that doesn't make it true. They talk about you, they talk about me, they talk about us, and they talk about them. They never stop talking; so we just have to stop listening. So let God be true and every man a liar. They may not be pleased, but what does God think? They may never forgive you, but God already has. You may not be doing that they want you to do, but are you doing what God called you to? Despite the opinions of others, a quick inventory revealed that while they found reason for disappointment, I found none. In fact, I'm pretty pleased because this branch is remaining in the Vine and is bearing much fruit.

I'd done inventory months ago, when the statement was first made, but I finally got around to doing the second thing...confrontation. Too many of us are holding on to past hurts and past offenses. Jesus told us that if we had a problem with someone to go to them and settle the score, then bring your offering. People are sick, stressed, and depressed because they won't settle the score. Carrying hurts, pains, unforgiveness, offenses, and whatever else does not make you a martyr. Telling everybody about everything that they did is probably not going to get you a book deal, or make you the screenwriter for the next major motion picture. But if you are looking for tumors, backaches, anxiety, clinical depression, heartburn, migraines, and/or a plethora of other sicknesses and diseases your anger, bitterness, and resentment over what they have done will definitely aid you.

At any rate, back to my story...confrontation. By confrontation I do not mean a shouting match or the blame game. This weekend, it was just a conversation and I brought up the whole disappointment thing. I told them that I had thought about what they had said and came to the conclusion that I wasn't living a disappointing life. Funny thing is that didn't stop them from being disappointed, but we both walked away with the understanding that their disappointment is not my burden to bear. Their opinion of me is none of my business.

Creative Juices Flowing

Okay so I wrote this as a comment on Art & Soul's blog, but decided to share...

Art & Soul Poetry Excercise 1: An Etheree
10 lines, with a syllable count going from 1 to 10 (or 10 to 1), decreasing (or increasing) each line.

Subject: Sex, Time & Water

Hmmm
Feels good
Time passing
Hope love's lasting
I envelop you
You keep holding me close
I never want to let go
So we seal "I do" with a kiss
I now forget what I thought I missed
Time wasn't wasted, love is worth the wait

Well, that is mine...so why don't you leave a comment with one that you did. This is fun, right? Participation is required.

He does all things well

Tonight I had to work pretty late and I was on my way home listening to a gospel song. I don't really remember the whole song, but somewhere within the song, it said, "He does all things well." It made me think about how often we complain about the things that go on in this life. We have people who disappoint us, situations that upset us, and circumstances that baffle us. And yet, our God does all things well. That is not really something I can say for anyone.

Think about it. You know that the hair stylist that you love has messed someone's hair up before. Your auto mechanic has side stepped on a job before. Even the best lawyer has had moments that weren't that great in court. Great surgeons have watched their patients die. That person who you respect or look up to will eventually let you down. We are all human and fail. But, we serve a God who does all things well.

The things that we screw up He can fix. The situations in life that have turned out bad, He can work out for your good. The sickness the doctors have yet to even diagnosis, He can heal. The heart that seems to constantly be broken, He will heal and bandage up the wounds.

I know that there are times that I question God because things haven't turned out the way I wanted or expected. We all have our moments were we complain when we are in a bind. Sometimes we need to be reminded that God is good, and when our lives seem a bit screwed up, it's not because God did it. He's the author and perfector of our faith. He is the one who fixes the mess not causes it. God does not have Muchausen Syndrome. He is good, and does all things well.

Courtroom Drama

Columbus, OH (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Franklin
County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over
who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by
his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in
keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family
unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy
cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder
of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was
apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented
step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the University
of Michigan Wolverines, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of
beating anyone.

LOL omg you gotta be a Buckeye to get that..lol that was funny