Talk About Being Kept

Tomorrow will mark the two-year anniversary of that life changing grocery run at Aldi. It was the day I met my husband. He would propose about two weeks later. In another week, I’d say yes. Four months later we would be married. And, the rest is history.

It all happened so quickly, but with much prayer and fasting. For those who have heard our testimony, it is one only God could write seasoned with all the signs and confirmations anyone could ask for and I asked for a lot. If you haven’t heard it, you should because it is a good story and we like to tell it. For us, it was clear that God brought us together.

So, let’s fast forward to this weekend. We traveled to Atlanta for General Conference and to see family and friends. It was our first trip since the birth of our son, Isaiah. On the way home, we’d made it just past Chattanooga and Isaiah started yelling his head off. Two minutes later, we catch a flat going 70 miles per hour down I-24. We stop and I feed the baby as Dennis changes the tire. Then, back in the car and another hundred miles, we are back at home.

The next morning, I’m looking for my breast pump and I figure its still in the car. I go outside and pop the trunk. As, I’m opening it, I look down and see my husband’s wedding band. I figure it fell off when he was bringing the luggage in the night before. I grab it and make my way back in the house. Once inside, I hand Dennis the ring telling him that I found it on the car. He takes it and slowly begins to pace as if pondering something. Then, he looks up and tells me, “The last time I saw my ring was last night after I changed the tire. When I was finished, I wanted to clean my hands so I took it off and placed it on the bumper in front of the license plate.”

A hundred miles later, through the twist and turns, peaks and valleys of east Tennessee’s mountainous landscape, I found his ring on the car’s bumper in the same place he left it. The more I think of the terrain of the roads we traveled to get home, the more I’m amazed. Through the dark of night, we trekked up steep inclines, around the road’s bends, and over bumps, potholes, and a railroad track. Like our marriage, the path was an assortment of geography sometimes challenging and at others it was smooth sailing. It’s constant change and continual motion. And, the ring was held steady on the bumper the entire ride. Honestly, our marriage has been under attack for a few months and a point of constant prayer. And, it seems God just sent us a good omen. Two years ago, we knew God was with us as we started on this journey, and this weekend, he left us a reminder of his power to keep us regardless of where the road may lead.

God: Keep your money! I want heart

This week has been quite interesting. I found myself in conflict with a person who has been a great friend and confidant for years. I was really grieved at how our friendship seemed to be eroding. It takes two to start a friendship, and both parties play a role in any dissolution. Lately, I’ve been coming to grips with the fact that every person seems right in their own eyes. I’m justified in my feeling and she’s justified in hers. That’s just the way it goes.

I thought about it all night, and in the morning as I was tidying up, a verse came to mind. “Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:23-24). I think the interesting thing about this verse is that it doesn’t say anything about how I am feeling. It’s not talking about whether or not I have ill feelings towards someone, but rather, ill feelings towards me.

Now, anyone who knows me knows that I stay in church. But, what if, God would rather that I stay home until I had settled things with my sister. We can get really religious in the fact that we are a “tither and a giver.” But, what happens if our tithe and offering is not acceptable to God when we are in conflict with one another? I think it is possible that we can tithe faithfully, but still be robbing God if we aren’t walking in love toward his children. What if we are “planting seed” and God doesn’t want it because we haven’t cultivated our love.

Needless to say, I was trying to work this issue out before midweek service. I’m grateful that God knows how to restore relationships because he did work it out for us. We were able to settle the matter amicably. I just can’t help but to wonder what church would look like if we heeded the voice of scripture. I’m sure some pastors would fear that both church and the offering plate would be empty. But, I doubt it. I think. The church would look a whole lot more like Christ. People would really know that we are Christians by our love.

The Inspiration of Miseducation

Dennis and I were in Target one day going through the music section. As we were flipping though the cd’s, I found The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. That album dropped in like 98-99, my senior year of high school. She made hip-hop history by winning 5 Grammy’s. When that cd came out, I listened to it constantly and loved it. Of course, some way, some how, it got borrowed (umm…stolen) when I went to college. Now, I knew that cd was fire. But, fast forward 10 years, and I realize that Lauryn is a prophet cuz she was singing my diary before I got a chance to write it.

Track 3—Ex-Factor: I keep letting you back in. How can I explain myself? As crazy as this thing has been, I just can’t be with no one else. See, I know what we’ve got to do. You let go and I’ll let go too ‘cause no one’s hurt me more than you. And, no one ever will…

I know ya’ll remember that, and I’m not talking about the song. Heaven only knows how many times I went around that mountain with that boy. Forget about letting him back in, I never let him leave. It’s true; I didn’t think that I could be with anyone else or that there would ever be anyone else. I think sometimes we like to put the blessing before the Blesser, turning that blessing into a curse. For me, there was a long time that I thought that the only way I would be blessed is if it came one way. Please believe that God is so much bigger than that.

Track 8—When It Hurts So Bad: I loved real, real hard once, but the love wasn’t returned. Found out the man I’d die for, he wasn’t even concerned. I tried, and I tried, and I tried to keep him in my life. I cried, and I cried, and I cried, but I couldn’t make it right.

I lived here so long it was ridiculous. But, the truth is there are very few of us who don’t come here and pitch a tent. Anything that could have been a blessing was turning into a curse. This was a time that made me question a lot, but mainly me. When you do everything you can to keep someone, and everything you know to make them happy all to no avail, you can’t help but thinking that you are the problem. Sometimes we make the mistake of wrapping up all our self-worth into someone else. It’s one of the biggest mistakes we can make. It’s idolatry against our selves and against our God. See, I thought this feeling it was all that I had. But, how could this be love that makes me feel so bad? It’s not.

Track 9—I Used to Love Him: Father you saved me and showed me that life was much more than being some foolish man's wife; showed me that love was respect and devotion, greater than planets deeper than oceans. My soul was weary but now it's replenished, content because that part of my life is finished.

When I got to this point, it was like a weight was lifted off of me. I was so happy. I’d loved him, lost him, and forgave him. Then, I was able to start loving me, and I gave my affections back to my God. You know, I wasn’t just angry with some guy. I was angry with God; deep down, I thought it was his fault, and He was the reason I wasn’t happy. Then I encountered His love. You are never the same after you’ve experienced the love of God. His love is constant regardless of you. He doesn’t love based on how good I am, but based on how good He is. I traded my sorrow for the joy of the Lord. And everyone I met could tell. I finally let go, not just of some guy, but all the baggage I collected in process of trying to hold on to him.

Track 15—Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You: You're just too good to be true; can't take my eyes off you. You'd be like heaven to touch. I wanna hold you so much. At last long love has arrived. And I thank God I'm alive. You're just too good to be true; can't take my eyes off you.

I’s married now! My husband is everything that I prayed for and more. God literally answered every prayer concerning my husband, and there were a lot of times that I didn’t even think He was listening. God doesn’t just hear us, but He answers. Honestly, I had a long list. The list I prayed was pretty short, but the one in my heart just got longer with time. Over the past 10 years, there were a lot of times I just said “my husband is going to do this” or “I want my husband to do that.” I actually don’t remember everything that I said, but every so often Dennis does something and God reminds me that its what I asked for. Case in point, when I was growing up in Ohio, I used to play chess daily, but once I moved south, I only found someone to play with sporadically (like once every few years sporadically). I kept my chess set on display in my living room and sometimes I would glance at it and say, “I want my husband to play chess.” We never played while we were dating, but one day, Dennis grabs the chess board. Our first game was a stalemate. God had given me a worthy opponent. We don’t eat the same foods (except for sweets), don’t like the same music, and didn’t keep the same company. We’re from two different worlds, but love the same great game.

Track 16—Tell Him: Now I may have faith to make mountains fall, but if I lack love then I am nothin' at all. I can give away everything I possess, but left without love then I have no happiness. I know I'm imperfect and not without sin, but now that I'm older all childish things end. And tell him...

It’s definitely been a journey. I’m at the end of me, and we have only just begun. The two have become one and such a union can only be sustained by love. Everyday, we are perfecting that love walk. We can only give what we’ve first received. Only after I received that love from my Daddy (God), was I able to extend it. It’s funny, when I get upset with Dennis, I listen to this song. When I’m just happy and basking in his love, I listen to this song. This song speaks of that good loving, that bears all, believes all, hopes all, and endures all. That kind of loving is good on a bad day.

Not an Inconvenience

I met this guy at the grocery store. He followed me around like a little puppy dog. It was flattering and he was kinda cute and a little sexy so I smiled and flirted a bit. That is the kinda thin that ladies do. He even earned my number…lol. Though I considered it, I didn’t give him that whole “let me take yours” line.

I must say that after our first conversation, I was a little impressed. However, I was still working on keeping him at bay. I have this knack for running men away. It actually has been a goal of mine. So, on the way to seeing him a second time, I’m mentally preparing myself to not like him. I don’t even remember what he looks like; he’s probably isn’t that cute. Then, I pulled up and see him. Dang it, he’s fine…help me Holy Ghost! I can’t help the fact that I have a thing for hard working gentlemen with a dash of thug. (THANK YA!)

He invited me to dinner Saturday afternoon. We talked and enjoyed the company. It was really cute that he cooked for this vegetarian seeing that when I met him, the contents of his grocery basket was 3 package of meat lasagna, turkey bacon, and a box of Lucky charms. There wasn’t a single fruit or vegetable…lol. It starts to get late, it’s raining, and I’m sleepy so I tell him I need to go. My gas tank was on empty so I ask him where I can find the closest station. He looked out the window at the dark rainy mist, “You want me to trail you to the gas station so I can pump the gas for you. I don’t want you out in this mess.”

I must say that he stunned me with that one. I’ve always wanted a man who actually showed me that type of chivalry, but when it came, I was a little dumbfounded. There are women who have known this type of treatment their entire lives, but that just isn’t my testimony. Sure, I like to be spoiled so I make sure I spoil myself, but it’s so much better when someone is doing it for you. In my puzzlement, I questioned, “Umm, it’s raining and late. Isn’t it a bit of an inconvenient to do that for me?”

He raised his voice slightly and it grew firm, “See, you need to get that out of your head. Making you happy is not an inconvenience to me.”

That was the curve ball for me. I was doing a decent job at keeping him an arm’s length from my heart, but for some reason, that just caused a wall to fall. He didn’t mind making me happy; in fact, he actually wanted to make me happy.

The following morning, I was a guest on an early morning radio program. We were talking about God’s love and how important it is to know his hear. I shared scriptures, admonished in my “preacher” voice, and dialoged with the host. Midway through the program, I heard the Holy Spirit tell me to share the gas station story from the night before. I knew this guy was listening and I had done a pretty good job of keeping my feelings veiled; so, I tried to ignore the spirit. Notice, I said, “I tried.” The Spirit was relentless not for this guy’s sake, but for the sake of God’s own character. I’d experienced a living parable the previous night that illustrated the love of God. I know there are those prayers I didn’t want to pray because I didn’t want to bother God. Yet, he bids us seek, ask, and knock because he delights in us. Loving you is not an inconvenience to God.

I did like the shirt...and Let It Go!

In the process of transferring 2 years worth of blogs, I was afforded the opportunity to look over my state of mind and emotions during this time. As I survey the changes, there is one thing I feel more that anything else…GRATEFUL. My heart is overwhelmed with thankfulness because I’m not there anymore.

As I strolled down memory lane, I remembered how I felt. I recalled the nights of salty rainstorms pounding my cheeks and the set of luggage that had settled under my eyes by morning. The pain, loneliness, anger, and bitterness flashed through my mind’s eye like an old time picture show. It was kinda like watching a movie. I could see the pain, understand why it was there, and sympathize with that disappointed baby girl; yet, I couldn’t feel it any more. Even as I recalled what brought me to that place, I realized the situations that sent me on an emotional roller coaster no longer captivated my attention; much less my emotions and thoughts.

I actually let it go. I had written poems talking about how I should let it go. Then, there were the blogs about why I was going to let it go. I even bought a shirt that said “Let It Go” with a scripture on the back. But, when depression, my temper tantrums, and crying spells hit, I knew the thing that I longed to do still eluded me. I remember that. I remember thinking I finally got it; that river of anger is gone. Then, the storms of life happened and that river overflowed its banks once again.

I guess that is why I’m so happy and grateful. I’m no longer carrying those deadly emotions so I’m really walking in abundant life. I can finally love, and I really love to love. I tried loving before, but was so sure that it was the source of my pain. I loved God and I loved other people, but I had forgotten to love someone very important…myself. Now, I love me, and that makes it so much easier to love other people. I’m happy. I dance and sing all day. The joy of the Lord is my strength, and I’m strong in the Lord and the power of His might.

During the exodus, God told the children of Israel to gather stones of remembrance. He wanted them to remember where they had come from and how far he had brought them. The feast of booths was dedicated to remembering. Sometimes, we have to take time to look back and remember. So, make sure you are gathering stones along the way. Remember the victorious battles; they will give you strength to win the war.