To be loved

My favorite disciple has always been John. He referred to himself as the "disciple whom Jesus loved." It wasn't that he was being arrogant or bragging because Jesus loved him and not the other disciples. In fact, Jesus loved John the same as he loved the rest of them. John just knew how much he was loved. He was so excited about being loved by Jesus, that it became is identification. Truth is when you know that you are loved it truly changes your identity.

Over the past year, God has given me an identity change. Since I was a child I feared that I wouldn't be loved; that fear of rejection plagued me. It's probably why I, like many others, would apologize for who I am. It made me want to deepen my voice so others wouldn't hear that high pitched squeal. It's what caused me to hold back my excitement to avoid acting like some giddy blonde. I could try to look hard, but truth is I'm really all smiles. I have my hood moments, but when I answer the phone and sound like "a white girl," it's a dead giveaway that I was raised in the burbs. It's who I am.

Let's be real; while people may try to be someone else, who they really are will eventually shine through. I can deepen my voice but if you are around me long enough, you are going to hear me sound like Alvin and the chipmunks. Those blonde moments are real, hence, the highlights (lol). And for the record, all white people do not talk proper. But, more importantly, it's me without apologies.

You ever been apologizing for yourself, and someone says, "Oh, I love that about you!" All of a sudden, you're not sorry anymore, and it's ok to be you. There is such a great freedom in being loved, because you don't have to strive anymore. You can rest and literally bathe in being loved; you're not trying to fix yourself so you'll get love, when you already have it. You just soak in it.

(I've been told not to tell people this story, but it's too awesome not to share.)

One day, I was on my way to work and just talking to God in the car. We were talking about how He made everyone so unique and He actually meant to do that. Then, God tells me the sweetest thing ever. It absolutely made my day. God tells me that He loves my hair. When it clicks that he loves my hair. I gasp, my voice goes an octave higher, and in blonde teenage hysteria, I yell, "Jesus you love my hair!" Then the thought settles, I sigh, my eyes water, and I softly whisper, "You love my hair."

It was one of those holy moments in time, when God tells you something that is so intimate that it not only changes what you think about yourself but changes what you think about Him. I was excited, then humbled that God would even have an opinion on my hair. But, then again, he created my hair, made that wild curly texture, and even has each hair numbered. My eyes still water at the thought that he loves me that much.

("How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered. Ps 139:17)

It's not just that he loves me. God knows how he created each of us. He made the extrovert outgoing on purpose, and that wall flower is just as beautiful to him too. He loves those artsy flower children like me and those boring analytical people too (j/k about the boring part). He made us so differently, yet all for his glory. Whether a person is a deep and reflective introvert or spacey extrovert, God loves our uniqueness. He's not trying to change our personality, but rather he perfects our character as to bring out the best in us.

When you recognize and celebrate how much God loves you, it's so much easier to celebrate other people. You know, I think I'm beautiful. I really believe that beauty radiates from me. That's not an arrogant statement or one that I should apologize for. It's a celebratory statement. I love me, and I haven't always. But, it makes it so easy to love other people. I see my beauty and celebrate it, so when I see other beautiful women, I can celebrate them too. I don't think people realize it but there's no competition in love, but rather rest and freedom. I've found so my peace and joy…I've found my identity in being the babygyrl whom Jesus loves.

Even in the little things

Okay, so I live in Nashville, TN and this winter has been ridiculously cold. Now, I know that I was born in Cleveland, OH. It is cold there, and you have lake effect snow. But, you expect it to be cold in Cleveland. Tennessee winters are supposed to be mild. I've been in the south for 10 years now, and that is what I have been accustomed to…mild winters. Now, my girls and I usually go out on Thursday nights. Do you know this past Thursday it was 12 degrees outside? It was soooooo cold. I mean it was 20 degrees in New York…so please tell me how it got to be 8 degrees colder in Nashville.

Now I wasn't digging 12 degrees so on the way to the car I started talking to Jesus. I said, "Jesus, it is too cold. I live in Nashville. It's supposed to be warmer than this. I need it to be 60 degrees tomorrow, Jesus." Then I thought about it a bit and continued, "Ok, Jesus I need it to be 60 degrees next week."

That's when Marla tried to interrupt my prayer, "Girl, shut up! It is not going to be 60 degrees. If it was, you would get sick!"

We went back and forth a bit, but I concluded with, "I can talk to Jesus if I want to and if I want it to be 60 degrees, I'm going to ask him to make it 60 degrees. And, I'm not going to get sick! Jesus, I'm serious, please make it 60 degrees next week!"

Okay, so when I checked the forecast this morning it said a high of 61 degrees.

My point is: He's concerned about the things that concern us. He answers the small arbitrary prayers just because He loves us. If the little things matter, please believe the big things matter.

Thanks Daddy!!!

2007 Reflection...It's been a good year

This afternoon, I received a text that said, "Remember: It's complete in 07 so let's get ready for new beginnings in 08." That really got me to thinking about the past year and the things that God has accomplished in it. All in all, it's been a good year and God has truly completed a work. So, here's the break down (Note: Don't e-mail or call me asking questions about details concerning things mentioned in this blog. I included the details I wanted you to know. I love you guys and thanks for loving me too.):

The beginning of February, I had a Friday off from work and I was clearly having a moment. I'm snot-nosed before the throne talking to Daddy. I'd been having these crying spells for a few weeks now and was sick of using my hormones as my excuse…go figure ladies. So, I'm reading the bible and came across a passage that I'd read hundreds of times before, but it stuck me in a new way.

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written: 'For Your sake we are killed all day long; We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.' Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Rom 8:35-39

After reading this passage, I realized that Paul knew something that I didn't. He was persuaded about God's love, and I wasn't. Not only did I doubt its depth, but sometimes I doubted its very existence. So, I asked the Lord to allow me to be persuaded.

After that warm and fuzzy prayer asking God to allow me to be persuaded about His love, you would expect warm and fuzzy experiences. Of course, that is not what I got. It's not to say that God didn't give me blessings and answer my prayers in noticeable ways, but the trials ahead would cause me to question the very nature of God. I remember lamenting the very existence of love. It seemed to me a curse rather than a blessing, and I wanted no part of it. It really was a crossroad because the very nature of God is love and it seemed to be a nature that I abhorred.

Life happened, events followed, and to say the least, I was devastated. I was angry at God, a few people, and of course, myself. I didn't want to be close to God anymore. I just wanted to be close enough as not to upset him, but far enough for him not to hurt me because I blamed him for everything that happened. We didn't talk much for a while. I told Him that I wouldn't do the blatant sins that are clearly against his word, but as for the other stuff, I wasn't doing anything extra. So, I came from underneath my vow.

Meanwhile, depression was kicking my butt and I literally couldn't get through a day at work without a few crying breaks. I revived an old addiction to help numb pain. It eased my mind for a moment, but I knew it wasn't a healthy way to deal with my emotions. Soon, I made a decision not to be a pissed off, bitter, 40 years old woman. Because at 25, I knew that if I held on to the hurt and pain, in fifteen years, that's what I'd be. As Donna Partow says, "One of the crowning acts of Satan is a bitter old woman. Hate and resentment are eating her up not because of her sin, but her sinful response to someone else's sin." That being said, I took my butt to counseling because I wasn't trying to be pissed off the rest of my life.

I must pause here a moment to say something of God's mercy and his goodness. In this time, I couldn't really pray, but God had so many people praying for me. People would walk up to me and say, "God woke me up a 4:30 this morning to pray for you. I don't know what you are going through, but He's gonna bring you out." Others would stop me to let me know they were praying. I'd tell God that I didn't feel like talking to him, and He would give me a dream to let me know that someone was praying for me. Months later, I found out people who I hadn't even talked to for a long time were praying me through. The Bible talks about bearing one another's burdens. God knows what we can bear, and what we need help with. He always sends help. Whether you know or not, whether you can feel it or not, God is working things out for your good. Situations get bad, but God is always good.

Right before my 26th birthday, the light broke through. It didn't just break in the one particular situation, but stuff I was dealing with for years broke. A flood of compassion filled my heart for the people that I had been so angry with. God's grace overflowed my heart and I couldn't help but extend it to those who had wronged me. While I knew forgiveness was the better option for years, it now became the only option. I let go of the pain I'd been carrying, and picked up the lighter load…forgiveness.

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

Soon, I could understand love in new way because God's allowed me to find his love through redemption. There was this list of things that had happened to me in my life that the enemy would rehearse in my mind as evidence that God didn't love me. While people are tempted to think that suffering is evidence that God doesn't love them, suffering is usually used to demonstrate the depths of God's heart. The greatest example of God's love is demonstrated through redemption, and there is no redemption without suffering.

I've experienced things this year that have literally tried to shake the very foundation of my faith. This year, I'd questioned the very nature of God, and at time, I thought that I'd found it wanting. I accused God of being the source of my pain. I wept as I pondered giving up on God, feeling that serving him was fruitless. In fact, I began to wonder if that's what He ultimately wanted me to do, after faithfully running the race so long to give up and not receive the promise. I listened as Satan told me that God wanted me to fail.

Now, as I look over the past year, I can say with certainty, "God is good." I can understand why the congregation of Israel just chanted "His mercy endures forever!" I am now convinced that my good God does not do bad things. He does work in the midst them because in his mercy, he does not waste a single moment or a single event. He does not waste our pain or our hurts, but rather He redeems the time. We can "count it all joy when we face various trials, knowing that the testing of our faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that we may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."

In a few hours, this year will be over. I had one request of the Lord for this year, and I prayed it one Friday afternoon in early February. I was envious of Paul because he was persuaded, regardless of what happened in this life or the life to come, there was nothing that could separate him from the love of God. And I begged God that day to let me be persuaded. God answered. It wasn't the way I wanted him to answer and I would have rather to be spared some tears. Yet, He answered and I am persuaded about his heart and persuaded about his love for me. Come hell or high water, broken heart or broken dream, in plenty or in lack, I am persuaded that there is nothing that can separate can separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

"When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God." Ephesians 3:14-19 NLT

Happy New Year,

Alicia

Avocado Story...there is a point.

Now some of you will think I'm crazy for telling this story, but just follow me. Those of you who read my blogs on the reg, already know the business.

A few weeks ago, I went to the grocery store and bought an avocado. It was green and I was hoping that it would be green for a while because I wasn't going to eat it right off. That thing was ripe in two days. It was nice and soft. Well, I didn't want it when it got ripe so I put it in the refrigerator. A few days went by, and I would just look at that avocado in the fridge. Then, I'd say a short prayer..."Jesus, bless my avocado and let it still be good when I decide to cut it." Okay, so I did this for like a week or two. I got the avocado like the Sunday before I went to Vegas. So this thing spent a good two weeks in my refrigerator after being ripe.

So finally, today, I took my avocado to work and cut it. It was so pretty; not a single brown spot! It was gorgeous. Just absolutely beautiful! Beautifully Ripe!!!

My point: God is concerned with the smallest details of our lives. We've all had produce go bad on us, and we almost expect it. It's not a big deal. So, why would God even care? It concerned Him, because it concerned me. This is the God who keeps the universe on course, He tells the ocean where to stop, and the sun when to shine. Yet, he has time to keep my avocado from going bad.

If he cares enough about the small things in our lives, how much more does he care about the big things? If he is listening to the arbitrary prayers (I'm not going to lose my faith over a piece of fruit gone bad.), how much more does he hear those prayers that are so dear our hearts?

Sometimes we feel like we are bothering God with our request, but he cares. "For the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him." God is looking for ways to show up in our lives. He seizes every opportunity...even the a moment as simple as keeping an avocado fresh.

Call it what you like (didn’t feel like coming up with a name.)

Today marks 10 years...my only consolation is knowing that God doesn't waste. He doesn't waste the moments in our lives...not the good ones, or the bad. We sometimes waste...we waste time, energy, emotions, and resources. However, in the midst of all our waste and bad choices, God is resourceful and works it all out for our good. That's hard to believe sometimes and even harder to walk out.

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living.

Wait on the LORD;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the LORD!

Ps 27:13-14

Beauty...I'm so sexy

Most of my life I've been a thick girl. I lost some weight a few years ago and I've put most of it back on. I think that I will head back to Weight Watchers at the beginning of the year because I need the discipline back in my life. All that being said, I feel SO FREAKING SEXY! I feel so confident in who I am right now. It's not to say that I don't have those moments when I'm displeased with my body, but in general, I'm pleased with myself.

There may be a few of you who are reading this thinking that all that confidence will lead or has already led to pride. But, I'm not writing this blog because of pride, but because of contentment. Sometimes we strive so hard for this sense of perfection in our lives. We are constantly trying to please people or fit into some mold. People think that if they just alter their appearance they will be happy and everything will go well. They will be more attractive or get more attention. But, there is something so beautiful and freeing about being comfortable in the skin that you are in.

I understand what it feels like to not know your own beauty and to think that you are ugly. I know all too well the journey of finding beauty in yourself especially when your big hips cannot fit into the box society has marked "beautiful."

Now, I have the joy of loving myself more than I ever have. It honestly goes far beyond my appearance because that is just a branch of this towering oak. It's the joy of contentment. It's the freedom you find in knowing your place in Christ. It's not having to live up to someone else's standard, but the courage to set your own. It's the power of letting go of past hurts, rejection, the need for approval, even some of my own expectations.

There is something to be said of having a mind change. People say that beauty is skin deep, but I would disagree. Beauty must be at your very core and it starts from the inside out. When beauty is at your very heart, it seeps out of your pores. When you change your mind, you change your outlook. Changing your outlook changes how you see yourself. How you see yourself determines the value you place on yourself. The value you place on yourself will be the value others place on you. Don't stop at having a beautiful body, but make sure you have a beautiful mind.

Remembering an old friend

Today marks the anniversary of the passing of a dear friend, Mark Kudnik. He was such a wonderful man of God. When he entered the room, you knew it. His grin was always from ear to ear, and there was always praises on his lips.

I'll always remember those days I spent in the hospital room with him, and learned at his bedside. In his last days, all he talked about was his daughter. He knew that he hadn't been the best dad and he regretted that, but he loved her so much and just longed for her to know that. Heaven only knows how much I needed that; I needed to know that just because a father wasn't there didn't mean that he didn't care. I needed to know that he loved his daughter to help me believe that my father loved me.

Those days in the hospital with Mark helped me to see a different side of the coin. We ususally live in our own paradigm and never try to see anything different. But, I'm glad that God gave me a moment to glimpse into the heart of a father. He also put in my heart a desire for true and lasting reconciliation.

Over the past year, a lot has change. I've grown in so many different ways. I've forgiven those who hurt me. I let go of past pain. I also threw out the script I was rehearsing called "The Drama of My Life." In fact, this Father's Day, I made a list, not of what he didn't do, but all that he did do. I took time to remember the good stuff that goes unnoticed because we are trippin about the bad. Truthfully, Mark was a big part of that. Those weeks going to the hospital every day served as a catalyst for something that was so wonderful...grace and forgiveness. Thank you so much, Mark. I love you and you are not forgotten.

"To live as Christ, and to die is gain."