To be loved

My favorite disciple has always been John. He referred to himself as the "disciple whom Jesus loved." It wasn't that he was being arrogant or bragging because Jesus loved him and not the other disciples. In fact, Jesus loved John the same as he loved the rest of them. John just knew how much he was loved. He was so excited about being loved by Jesus, that it became is identification. Truth is when you know that you are loved it truly changes your identity.

Over the past year, God has given me an identity change. Since I was a child I feared that I wouldn't be loved; that fear of rejection plagued me. It's probably why I, like many others, would apologize for who I am. It made me want to deepen my voice so others wouldn't hear that high pitched squeal. It's what caused me to hold back my excitement to avoid acting like some giddy blonde. I could try to look hard, but truth is I'm really all smiles. I have my hood moments, but when I answer the phone and sound like "a white girl," it's a dead giveaway that I was raised in the burbs. It's who I am.

Let's be real; while people may try to be someone else, who they really are will eventually shine through. I can deepen my voice but if you are around me long enough, you are going to hear me sound like Alvin and the chipmunks. Those blonde moments are real, hence, the highlights (lol). And for the record, all white people do not talk proper. But, more importantly, it's me without apologies.

You ever been apologizing for yourself, and someone says, "Oh, I love that about you!" All of a sudden, you're not sorry anymore, and it's ok to be you. There is such a great freedom in being loved, because you don't have to strive anymore. You can rest and literally bathe in being loved; you're not trying to fix yourself so you'll get love, when you already have it. You just soak in it.

(I've been told not to tell people this story, but it's too awesome not to share.)

One day, I was on my way to work and just talking to God in the car. We were talking about how He made everyone so unique and He actually meant to do that. Then, God tells me the sweetest thing ever. It absolutely made my day. God tells me that He loves my hair. When it clicks that he loves my hair. I gasp, my voice goes an octave higher, and in blonde teenage hysteria, I yell, "Jesus you love my hair!" Then the thought settles, I sigh, my eyes water, and I softly whisper, "You love my hair."

It was one of those holy moments in time, when God tells you something that is so intimate that it not only changes what you think about yourself but changes what you think about Him. I was excited, then humbled that God would even have an opinion on my hair. But, then again, he created my hair, made that wild curly texture, and even has each hair numbered. My eyes still water at the thought that he loves me that much.

("How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered. Ps 139:17)

It's not just that he loves me. God knows how he created each of us. He made the extrovert outgoing on purpose, and that wall flower is just as beautiful to him too. He loves those artsy flower children like me and those boring analytical people too (j/k about the boring part). He made us so differently, yet all for his glory. Whether a person is a deep and reflective introvert or spacey extrovert, God loves our uniqueness. He's not trying to change our personality, but rather he perfects our character as to bring out the best in us.

When you recognize and celebrate how much God loves you, it's so much easier to celebrate other people. You know, I think I'm beautiful. I really believe that beauty radiates from me. That's not an arrogant statement or one that I should apologize for. It's a celebratory statement. I love me, and I haven't always. But, it makes it so easy to love other people. I see my beauty and celebrate it, so when I see other beautiful women, I can celebrate them too. I don't think people realize it but there's no competition in love, but rather rest and freedom. I've found so my peace and joy…I've found my identity in being the babygyrl whom Jesus loves.