Yes, the headline was for you

I really debated with whether or not to write this blog or if I should send a message. I'm blogging because I believe in playing by my own rules, and I believe this might help someone. For the record, yes the headline is for you, and I promise you, we have no beef. All I've done was bless and pray for you. (Now, I cussed someone else out...lol. That's why grace is a gift, not of works, lest any man should boast.)

I read something today that hurt my heart. I was hurt for the person who wrote it, and hurt for the one it was about. It was probably true, and I have no reason to doubt it. But, love covers a multitude of sins. I say this after many tears, a few months of counseling, and lots of praying. It is not easy to walk out, in fact it's a very very bitter cup. But for those who will live godly, we will drink it. Please believe, this is not a self-righteous dissortation, and my previous blogs will tell you that. But, this is truth.

God put it on my heart to write a book on love. And there have been many nights that I argued that I can't write a book on something I don't believe in. In my mind, the only thing that love did was cause me pain. God and I had come to a crossroads, the Bible teaches that God is the very essence of love. For a moment, I seemed to hate the very essence of who He was because it hurt so bad. Clearly, Jesus and I didn't talk much during the month of May. I wanted to be close enough to Him that I didn't piss him off, but far enough that He didn't hurt me anymore.

It's a hard thing when God gives you a bitter cup to drink. I'm telling God how much I loved, and He's telling me that what I'm doing isn't love at all. One day, I was reading a devotional book in which you pray the scriptures. I was doing good praying the scriptures until I found that one of the passages for the day was 1 Cor 13. I threw the book down and said, "I ain't praying that." (Oh for the grace of God, cuz babygyrl can be a hot headed mess.) Holy Ghost is funny, he put a song in my head by Ginny Owens. The part of the song I started singing was the very verses that I refused to pray. (God has jokes!)

"Songs will fade to silence,
Stories will cease,
The dust will settle covering these selfless deeds.
But Your life here has made it clear enough for me to see
That if I do not love, I am nothing."

Imagine that...I'm telling God all I've done and He's telling me it's nothing...

"Love is patient (clearly, ten years must be long enough!), love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

"It is not rude (so God thought that me cussing someone out was a bit problematic), it is not self-seeking (Well, who was going to look out for me cuz, somebody wasn't), it is not easily angered (don't repeat offenders piss you off?!?!), it keeps no record of wrongs (ummm...but God, I'm right. What they did really hurt me. I'll forgive but won't forget...all the pain they caused and how they owe me).

"Love does not delight in evil (So me jammin to the song...Somebody's gonna do to you what you been doing and I hope that I'm around to watch them knock you down...that's not cool either!?!?) but rejoices with the truth (Dude, I'm tellin you the truth...they did me wrong).

"It always protects (protects the name of the person who didn't protect your heart), always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

"Love never fails (even when people have failed you).

When you've been hurt that's a hard pill to swallow, and when you haven't learned to give yourself that kinda loving, it's impossible to swallow. We can't give what we've yet to receive. You know it took me a long time to forgive. I was trying, but loving despite all reasons to hate is hard when I was doubting God's love for me.

One of the crowning acts of Satan is a bitter old woman. Hate and resentment are eating her up not because of her sin, but her sinful response to someone else's sin. Life is too precious, I'm too beautiful, and you're too beautiful for that.

Time does not heal all wounds, it takes time and effort. I guess that's why I'm writing this. It doesn't go away unless you want it to go away and are willing to go through the process. It's not always easy. If I knew how good forgiveness felt, it wouldn't have taken me so long to do.