God: Keep your money! I want heart

This week has been quite interesting. I found myself in conflict with a person who has been a great friend and confidant for years. I was really grieved at how our friendship seemed to be eroding. It takes two to start a friendship, and both parties play a role in any dissolution. Lately, I’ve been coming to grips with the fact that every person seems right in their own eyes. I’m justified in my feeling and she’s justified in hers. That’s just the way it goes.

I thought about it all night, and in the morning as I was tidying up, a verse came to mind. “Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:23-24). I think the interesting thing about this verse is that it doesn’t say anything about how I am feeling. It’s not talking about whether or not I have ill feelings towards someone, but rather, ill feelings towards me.

Now, anyone who knows me knows that I stay in church. But, what if, God would rather that I stay home until I had settled things with my sister. We can get really religious in the fact that we are a “tither and a giver.” But, what happens if our tithe and offering is not acceptable to God when we are in conflict with one another? I think it is possible that we can tithe faithfully, but still be robbing God if we aren’t walking in love toward his children. What if we are “planting seed” and God doesn’t want it because we haven’t cultivated our love.

Needless to say, I was trying to work this issue out before midweek service. I’m grateful that God knows how to restore relationships because he did work it out for us. We were able to settle the matter amicably. I just can’t help but to wonder what church would look like if we heeded the voice of scripture. I’m sure some pastors would fear that both church and the offering plate would be empty. But, I doubt it. I think. The church would look a whole lot more like Christ. People would really know that we are Christians by our love.

The Inspiration of Miseducation

Dennis and I were in Target one day going through the music section. As we were flipping though the cd’s, I found The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. That album dropped in like 98-99, my senior year of high school. She made hip-hop history by winning 5 Grammy’s. When that cd came out, I listened to it constantly and loved it. Of course, some way, some how, it got borrowed (umm…stolen) when I went to college. Now, I knew that cd was fire. But, fast forward 10 years, and I realize that Lauryn is a prophet cuz she was singing my diary before I got a chance to write it.

Track 3—Ex-Factor: I keep letting you back in. How can I explain myself? As crazy as this thing has been, I just can’t be with no one else. See, I know what we’ve got to do. You let go and I’ll let go too ‘cause no one’s hurt me more than you. And, no one ever will…

I know ya’ll remember that, and I’m not talking about the song. Heaven only knows how many times I went around that mountain with that boy. Forget about letting him back in, I never let him leave. It’s true; I didn’t think that I could be with anyone else or that there would ever be anyone else. I think sometimes we like to put the blessing before the Blesser, turning that blessing into a curse. For me, there was a long time that I thought that the only way I would be blessed is if it came one way. Please believe that God is so much bigger than that.

Track 8—When It Hurts So Bad: I loved real, real hard once, but the love wasn’t returned. Found out the man I’d die for, he wasn’t even concerned. I tried, and I tried, and I tried to keep him in my life. I cried, and I cried, and I cried, but I couldn’t make it right.

I lived here so long it was ridiculous. But, the truth is there are very few of us who don’t come here and pitch a tent. Anything that could have been a blessing was turning into a curse. This was a time that made me question a lot, but mainly me. When you do everything you can to keep someone, and everything you know to make them happy all to no avail, you can’t help but thinking that you are the problem. Sometimes we make the mistake of wrapping up all our self-worth into someone else. It’s one of the biggest mistakes we can make. It’s idolatry against our selves and against our God. See, I thought this feeling it was all that I had. But, how could this be love that makes me feel so bad? It’s not.

Track 9—I Used to Love Him: Father you saved me and showed me that life was much more than being some foolish man's wife; showed me that love was respect and devotion, greater than planets deeper than oceans. My soul was weary but now it's replenished, content because that part of my life is finished.

When I got to this point, it was like a weight was lifted off of me. I was so happy. I’d loved him, lost him, and forgave him. Then, I was able to start loving me, and I gave my affections back to my God. You know, I wasn’t just angry with some guy. I was angry with God; deep down, I thought it was his fault, and He was the reason I wasn’t happy. Then I encountered His love. You are never the same after you’ve experienced the love of God. His love is constant regardless of you. He doesn’t love based on how good I am, but based on how good He is. I traded my sorrow for the joy of the Lord. And everyone I met could tell. I finally let go, not just of some guy, but all the baggage I collected in process of trying to hold on to him.

Track 15—Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You: You're just too good to be true; can't take my eyes off you. You'd be like heaven to touch. I wanna hold you so much. At last long love has arrived. And I thank God I'm alive. You're just too good to be true; can't take my eyes off you.

I’s married now! My husband is everything that I prayed for and more. God literally answered every prayer concerning my husband, and there were a lot of times that I didn’t even think He was listening. God doesn’t just hear us, but He answers. Honestly, I had a long list. The list I prayed was pretty short, but the one in my heart just got longer with time. Over the past 10 years, there were a lot of times I just said “my husband is going to do this” or “I want my husband to do that.” I actually don’t remember everything that I said, but every so often Dennis does something and God reminds me that its what I asked for. Case in point, when I was growing up in Ohio, I used to play chess daily, but once I moved south, I only found someone to play with sporadically (like once every few years sporadically). I kept my chess set on display in my living room and sometimes I would glance at it and say, “I want my husband to play chess.” We never played while we were dating, but one day, Dennis grabs the chess board. Our first game was a stalemate. God had given me a worthy opponent. We don’t eat the same foods (except for sweets), don’t like the same music, and didn’t keep the same company. We’re from two different worlds, but love the same great game.

Track 16—Tell Him: Now I may have faith to make mountains fall, but if I lack love then I am nothin' at all. I can give away everything I possess, but left without love then I have no happiness. I know I'm imperfect and not without sin, but now that I'm older all childish things end. And tell him...

It’s definitely been a journey. I’m at the end of me, and we have only just begun. The two have become one and such a union can only be sustained by love. Everyday, we are perfecting that love walk. We can only give what we’ve first received. Only after I received that love from my Daddy (God), was I able to extend it. It’s funny, when I get upset with Dennis, I listen to this song. When I’m just happy and basking in his love, I listen to this song. This song speaks of that good loving, that bears all, believes all, hopes all, and endures all. That kind of loving is good on a bad day.

Better Than Expected

So if you don’t know by now, I’m getting married. Funny thing is that it didn’t happen the way I always expected. I’m not marrying the one I waited years for (can I get a hallelujah on that one!!! Oh Bless the Lord). No, the truth is God gave me so much better. I literally thank the Lord every day for the wonderful man that He has brought into my life. He is honestly more than I ever expected. When I met him, I thought maybe what I prayed for was possible. Now, I realized that my prayers have been answered. He is just that kind of man.

When I take the time to look back over the past relationships and heartbreaks, I don’t regret a single moment of it because the journey still led me here. There were those moments that I thought that I would never get a good man. My father once told me, “The love of the husband should awaken the love of the wife.” In other words, my love would be kindled in response to the love I received from my husband. If you have ever been in a toxic relationship where you were doing all the loving and hoping that one day it would be good enough, you can understand why I never thought that I would experience that type of love. I guess that is why I’m just so grateful to God that my prayers were answered.

I think I spent a lot of time in my life hoping that God was as good as they say He is. Now, don’t get me wrong. Most of you know that I am the first to tell you that God is good. I have known the goodness of God in his provision, his comfort, and his care. I’d seen God work so mightily in my life and I trusted him in every area, save one…matters of the heart. In this particular area, I hoped that God was as faithful as he was in the other areas of my life.

In January of this year, I prayed a really hard prayer. In fact, I felt so bad for saying it. I remembered the faithfulness of God and how he had delivered me, healed my brokenness, and provided for every one of my needs. I told God how I trusted him. He’d proved himself time and time again. “This I recall to mind therefore I have hope. It’s because of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed. For, his compassions fail not and his mercies are new every morning. Great is thy faithfulness.” Then I said the unthinkable, “Lord, I trust you in every area of my life save one…my heart. I trust you with everything but in this thing I don’t trust you because you have not proven yourself faithful.” Then I wept. It broke my heart to say such a thing to my Lord. Tears cloud my vision even now as I write about it. Maybe, I wept because he wept. Maybe, it broke my heart to say it because it had broken his heart to knowing that is the way I felt for years.

How a faithful God listens to his baby girl tell him that he hasn’t proven himself faithful is beyond me. After I said it, I cried myself to sleep, but God was there. He hovered over me that night and ministered to me as I slept. I don’t know what he did or even what all he said, but I woke up changed. I remember the Holy Spirit just loved on me all night long; he loved past my hurt and past my pain. His presence was so sweet even though my prayer wasn’t. The following morning, I uttered the day’s first words, “Lord, I trust you. I even trust you with my heart.”

I look back now and realize it was just a few short months ago. The darkest hour is just before dawn. God knew the blessing that he had in store for me even when it wasn’t anywhere I could see. I’m just so glad I decided to trust him. It’s been well worth the wait, and God truly is faithful.

Letting Go

I never imagined it would feel quite this way
Even though for years I dreamed of this day
Truth is I never thought it would come
But, now that it has I find myself surprised
About the feelings I hold inside
I don't regret the years or a single tear
I'm grateful for all they joys and pain
While I never thought I'd say this
I'm actually thankful for all I gained
We usually are ready to let go
When the pain of hanging on overwhelms us
When we find ourselves finally fed up
But the truth is I wasn't in any pain
I'd already healed and forgiven
The angry river had long dried up
There was no hae or bitterness in the equation
Only the realization that it was time
I never stopped loving or even started regretting
Everything that we'd been through
I guess I just realized my hart had moved on
Even though I thought never would
I let go not because I was tired or angry
But, because there was someone else I wanted to hold
I knew I couldn't enjoy the something new
Without letting go of the old.
I pray God blesses and keeps you
And your dreams they come to pass
Maybe one day love will come again
And I pray that it will last
Thank you for every moment the good and the bad
The tears of joy and sobs of pain
You taught me how to love unconditionally
Even when I believed in love's impossibility
I didn't always enjoy the journey
But the outcome was well worth it.
You can't enjoy the pearl while despising the process
Or, love diamonds hating the pressure it took to create it
You can admire the colorful wings of a butterfly
But, they developed in the dark of a cocoon
I guess the process is about over
And, we've come to our journey's end.
I'll think of you with a grateful heart
And send my love before you
My prayers for you remain in heaven
Ever before God's throne
Heaven alone knows should our paths ever cross
But for now I'm letting go

Not an Inconvenience

I met this guy at the grocery store. He followed me around like a little puppy dog. It was flattering and he was kinda cute and a little sexy so I smiled and flirted a bit. That is the kinda thin that ladies do. He even earned my number…lol. Though I considered it, I didn’t give him that whole “let me take yours” line.

I must say that after our first conversation, I was a little impressed. However, I was still working on keeping him at bay. I have this knack for running men away. It actually has been a goal of mine. So, on the way to seeing him a second time, I’m mentally preparing myself to not like him. I don’t even remember what he looks like; he’s probably isn’t that cute. Then, I pulled up and see him. Dang it, he’s fine…help me Holy Ghost! I can’t help the fact that I have a thing for hard working gentlemen with a dash of thug. (THANK YA!)

He invited me to dinner Saturday afternoon. We talked and enjoyed the company. It was really cute that he cooked for this vegetarian seeing that when I met him, the contents of his grocery basket was 3 package of meat lasagna, turkey bacon, and a box of Lucky charms. There wasn’t a single fruit or vegetable…lol. It starts to get late, it’s raining, and I’m sleepy so I tell him I need to go. My gas tank was on empty so I ask him where I can find the closest station. He looked out the window at the dark rainy mist, “You want me to trail you to the gas station so I can pump the gas for you. I don’t want you out in this mess.”

I must say that he stunned me with that one. I’ve always wanted a man who actually showed me that type of chivalry, but when it came, I was a little dumbfounded. There are women who have known this type of treatment their entire lives, but that just isn’t my testimony. Sure, I like to be spoiled so I make sure I spoil myself, but it’s so much better when someone is doing it for you. In my puzzlement, I questioned, “Umm, it’s raining and late. Isn’t it a bit of an inconvenient to do that for me?”

He raised his voice slightly and it grew firm, “See, you need to get that out of your head. Making you happy is not an inconvenience to me.”

That was the curve ball for me. I was doing a decent job at keeping him an arm’s length from my heart, but for some reason, that just caused a wall to fall. He didn’t mind making me happy; in fact, he actually wanted to make me happy.

The following morning, I was a guest on an early morning radio program. We were talking about God’s love and how important it is to know his hear. I shared scriptures, admonished in my “preacher” voice, and dialoged with the host. Midway through the program, I heard the Holy Spirit tell me to share the gas station story from the night before. I knew this guy was listening and I had done a pretty good job of keeping my feelings veiled; so, I tried to ignore the spirit. Notice, I said, “I tried.” The Spirit was relentless not for this guy’s sake, but for the sake of God’s own character. I’d experienced a living parable the previous night that illustrated the love of God. I know there are those prayers I didn’t want to pray because I didn’t want to bother God. Yet, he bids us seek, ask, and knock because he delights in us. Loving you is not an inconvenience to God.

This brought me so much joy today

Okay, this is absolutely hilarious. I thought I should share.

Healthy Balance

I grew up Seventh-day Adventist. A unique part of Adventist doctrine is the emphasis on health. We follow the Levitical laws concerning clean and unclean meats, while actually promoting a vegetarian diet. In fact, most American Adventist churches you visit won’t even serve meat. Adventists were among the first in America to come up with veggie food. While veggie burgers have become mainstream in the past few years, I’ve been eating it my entire life. And, Adventists live about 8 years longer than the average American.

We grew up with a knowledge of scripture concerning health. Your body is not your own but the temple of the Holy Spirit so honor God with your body. In whatsoever you eat or drink, do all to the glory of God. I wish above all things that you would prosper and be in health even as your soul prospers. All these scripture were preached from the pulpit. We had a health and temperance department in the church, attended health fairs, and cooking classes. Sometimes to a fault, health teachings could almost seem legalist.

Over the past few years, I’ve been more influenced by the Charismatic tradition. In this tradition, the most you hear about health is “God can heal you.” Lay hands on the sick and they will recover. The prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up and if he has sinned he will be forgiven. By Jesus’ stripes, you are healed. And, it is all true; healing is the children’s bread.

For a season, there was some reconciliation that I needed to do between the two traditions. I remember being in an Adventist church service and the pastor talked as though health and healing only came through your adherence to the health message. I left the service up in arms. What about faith and the supernatural? We have the same power and authority as Jesus, God is the one who heals all of our diseases! Then I watched those that preach healing, speak healing, and refuse to live or eat healing.

I remember being in the hospital room of a church member, a man of God. He’d had two heart attacks, and was in the hospital down the street from my job. I went to see him everyday. One day he stared off and said, “I remember God used to tell me, ‘You gotta take better care of your body. You need to start eating right and exercising.’ I just never did it.” He had one more heart attack before he eventually passed. Maybe a year later, God was talking to me about his goodness and how he doesn’t do bad things. He brought back to my remembrance that conversation in that hospital room. God began to minister to me that the heart attacks were not his plan and he didn’t do it; but, rather, God told him how to prevent them. It wasn’t a critique on this man’s spirituality, to live is Christ and to die is gain. But, rather, God was revealing his goodness and the balance.

I will forever believe in the healing power of God; in the same way, I’ll always believe in the blessing of obedience. The two are not at odds with each other. God’s laws are not arbitrary neither is his counsel. As Christians, we are not under the law, but rather grace. In his grace and goodness, God gave us counsel on how to do better. So, why not do it? The supernatural can and does supersede the natural. God’s grace makes up for what we lack; it makes up for our disobedience. But, grace is not an excuse for disobedience or a reason to remain in ignorance. God does not use his power override our laziness. God does require of us to do better. God has rule in every part of our life. He’s not just worried about whether or not you are doing the “big” sins; he’s working in us to make us better…mind, body, and spirit.