Something about waiting

I was sitting in my first apartment wondering what direction my life was going to take. The months to follow my college graduation were not turning out the way I expected. I walked across the stage proud of the fact that I finished two degrees in four years and graduated magna cum laude. But sitting in that apartment, with $10 to my name, no job, and facing eviction, I couldn't help but question God's leading. I thought I'd heard him and that I was going in the right direction, but I'd looked for job after job to no avail. Now, I was fasting and praying looking for answers. A friend called. She said that she'd been praying for me, and while in prayer the Lord said to her, "Don't worry about Alicia. I'm taking care of her." At that moment, I couldn't see his hand. But, as you can imagine, He proved faithful and took care of me.

Years have now passed. I have a nice quaint life. It's peaceful, and I'm provided for. I have need of nothing, but there sure are some things that I want. This past week, I was walking the floor at work and a gentleman stop me. He said, "Alicia I was praying for you. I know you are getting your M. div and I think that's wonderful. But so many of our sisters go and get their M. Div and there's just nothing for them when they get out. I don't want to see that happen to you so I was praying for you. And you know what the Lord said? He said, 'Don't worry about Alicia. I'm taking care of her.'" When I heard it, I immediately remembered that they were the same words spoken to me years ago, but I guess I didn't know how much I needed to hear those words again.

This weekend sitting in church, the pastor was teaching on types of prayer that transform our lives and the world around us. He got on persevering prayer and it struck me. Then I heard the Holy Spirit say "who will stir himself up to take hold of God?" Honestly, I didn't know exactly how to take it. Okay, God if you want me to take hold of you, I will. It's my heart to serve Him. But, that's what I've been doing. I've prayed, cried, fasted, and waited, while years continue to pass as the promises go unfulfilled. Yet, God ask me to stir myself up to take hold of him. It's funny, as pastor was talking about persevering prayer he said it was like fastening yourself to someone. I think of a little kid grabbing hold of the leg of their father as he walks around dragging that child along for the ride.

I used to like getting a "word" or prophecy, but now the only confirmation I want is for God to do it. I guess I'm like that child in the backseat of the car asking, "Are we there yet?" My legs are cramped and the scenery on the highway does not seem to be changing much. In fact when I look around me it seems that not much has changed and I can't tell that I'm any closer to the promise than before. However, when I stop just looking at the circumstances and the common scenery and start looking at the mile markers, I see how far we've come. Ever notice on a road trip how mile 2 and mile 200 both look the same. However, at mile 200, you are almost there if you just hold tight. We need not worry, because Daddy really is taking care of us.

Gal 6:9: And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.

Ps 27:13-14: I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

On Love...

This is a quote that I just had to share. Enjoy.

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

- Captain Corelli's Mandolin

Help for the journey

When we are going through drama in our lives, our association is so vital to the outcome and how we will process things. There is such a wide variety of people, and it's good to spend time with them all in the journey. But, not everyone can see the journey through.




Crunk friends—These are your girls who will cut a brotha and help you hide the body. You love them because they are so ready to fight for you. I've found that you usually have to calm them down when it's all said and done. It's good to know that they are willing to do some time avenging you, but you have to keep on moving. They will have you slitting tires, smashing in windows, and stalking someone. When the rush is gone, the situation hasn't changed and you'll have to call someone to bail you out of jail.




Crying friend—This is the one you can get on the phone with and cry and talk about how much men suck. You guys can share a half gallon of cookies and cream, and it doesn't have to be a pity party for one. After you have vented and are just ready to sulk, this is the friend you can do it with. She can feel all your pain, and remembers her horror stories with her exes. You can have this for one night because when you wake up with a set of Louis Vutton luggage under your eyes from crying so much, and have to go to work, you will reconsider how long this goes on. This person helps validate your hurt, but if you aren't careful you will stay here and just nurse your hurts.




Get-a-grip friend—This is the friend who doesn't want to cut him, but is ready to smack the hell out of you. She really just wants you to see your own worth. Your relationship ended not your life. If it feels like your life is ending, it's because you made someone your life and gave them everything; only God deserves that place. As far as she is concerned, this is your life, and you have two options. You can pine away, passively watching life pass you by, or you can move on. This friend awakens you from your stooper and helps you to realize you are going about this entire thing wrong. She reminds you that blaming other's for the disparity in your life is not going to help. It's your life, and you and Jesus rule its destiny. You don't have to worry about getting stuck here because this friend is not going to bare your load…it's you and Jesus.




Midwife—This person who maybe considered a friend, but more than that, a mother. She's not going to get crunk with you. In fact, when you were going off and cussing folk out, she was praying for your hot head. You come to her when you want to sulk, but all she is talking about is love and forgiveness. You aren't ready to receive that word, yet. So, she prays. Knowing that she can't bare your burden, she keeps you lifted in prayer to the one who can. And when you were walking around pissed at the world, she gives you an encouraging word, or lets you know that she's praying. She knows that you need to get a grip, but it's not going to happen over night. She's willing to go with you through the process. Sometimes she's watching from a distance, but her prayers are always close. When you are so angry that you can't pray, God sends a midwife to remind you how to pray. She knows the pain of giving birth so she doesn't dismiss yours, but always challenges you to move beyond the pain. Midwifes have tasted the fruit of love and forgiveness and long for you to partake. Her words remind you, that God is perfecting your love walk, when you've stopped believing love is even real. She's that woman of faith shouting on the sidelines, "HOLD ON!", when you are ready to give up. Since she believes so hard, it gives you a reason to believe too. Eventually, you'll see how far you've come and be committed to seeing the process through.




Finally, you've made it out on the other side. Go visit your crunk friends in jail. Take your crying friend some ice cream to cheer her up. Your get-a-grip friend will be glad to see that you didn't lose it. Seeing you happy again, walking in peace, love and forgiveness, and knowing her prayers were not in vain is often the greatest reward for the midwife. Now, go do a victory lap and praise God you made it.

This is for my girls...you know who you are

I love my friends. And I must say, my girls are so funny to me. A few of you have called me. The conversation starts, "Hey, Alicia. How ya doing? Is everything alright? I read your blog." Lol...ya girl is good. I know that you love me enough to grab the vaseline, take your earrings out, and pull your hair back. Just to let you all know...Jesus already got me covered. Ain't nothing going on. The last couple blogs have been a response, but not a bad response. Alicia is being Alicia, in Alicia fashion...naaa...on the real, God is just helpin babygyrl make peace. Christian women shouldn't be in strife, competition, or envy.

Prov 16:7

When a man's ways are pleasing to the LORD,
he makes even his enemies live at peace with him.



I love you all. :)

This is a sidebar

Just for the record...it is not psycho to read something that makes reference to you. It's not psycho to read something that the author wrote with you in mind. It is not psycho to read something the author wanted you to read. And if you are reading this...you are catching my drift. I'm not crazy, and I don't think you're crazy. However, a man has been known to drive a woman insane. I think we can all agree on that.

Yes, the headline was for you

I really debated with whether or not to write this blog or if I should send a message. I'm blogging because I believe in playing by my own rules, and I believe this might help someone. For the record, yes the headline is for you, and I promise you, we have no beef. All I've done was bless and pray for you. (Now, I cussed someone else out...lol. That's why grace is a gift, not of works, lest any man should boast.)

I read something today that hurt my heart. I was hurt for the person who wrote it, and hurt for the one it was about. It was probably true, and I have no reason to doubt it. But, love covers a multitude of sins. I say this after many tears, a few months of counseling, and lots of praying. It is not easy to walk out, in fact it's a very very bitter cup. But for those who will live godly, we will drink it. Please believe, this is not a self-righteous dissortation, and my previous blogs will tell you that. But, this is truth.

God put it on my heart to write a book on love. And there have been many nights that I argued that I can't write a book on something I don't believe in. In my mind, the only thing that love did was cause me pain. God and I had come to a crossroads, the Bible teaches that God is the very essence of love. For a moment, I seemed to hate the very essence of who He was because it hurt so bad. Clearly, Jesus and I didn't talk much during the month of May. I wanted to be close enough to Him that I didn't piss him off, but far enough that He didn't hurt me anymore.

It's a hard thing when God gives you a bitter cup to drink. I'm telling God how much I loved, and He's telling me that what I'm doing isn't love at all. One day, I was reading a devotional book in which you pray the scriptures. I was doing good praying the scriptures until I found that one of the passages for the day was 1 Cor 13. I threw the book down and said, "I ain't praying that." (Oh for the grace of God, cuz babygyrl can be a hot headed mess.) Holy Ghost is funny, he put a song in my head by Ginny Owens. The part of the song I started singing was the very verses that I refused to pray. (God has jokes!)

"Songs will fade to silence,
Stories will cease,
The dust will settle covering these selfless deeds.
But Your life here has made it clear enough for me to see
That if I do not love, I am nothing."

Imagine that...I'm telling God all I've done and He's telling me it's nothing...

"Love is patient (clearly, ten years must be long enough!), love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

"It is not rude (so God thought that me cussing someone out was a bit problematic), it is not self-seeking (Well, who was going to look out for me cuz, somebody wasn't), it is not easily angered (don't repeat offenders piss you off?!?!), it keeps no record of wrongs (ummm...but God, I'm right. What they did really hurt me. I'll forgive but won't forget...all the pain they caused and how they owe me).

"Love does not delight in evil (So me jammin to the song...Somebody's gonna do to you what you been doing and I hope that I'm around to watch them knock you down...that's not cool either!?!?) but rejoices with the truth (Dude, I'm tellin you the truth...they did me wrong).

"It always protects (protects the name of the person who didn't protect your heart), always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

"Love never fails (even when people have failed you).

When you've been hurt that's a hard pill to swallow, and when you haven't learned to give yourself that kinda loving, it's impossible to swallow. We can't give what we've yet to receive. You know it took me a long time to forgive. I was trying, but loving despite all reasons to hate is hard when I was doubting God's love for me.

One of the crowning acts of Satan is a bitter old woman. Hate and resentment are eating her up not because of her sin, but her sinful response to someone else's sin. Life is too precious, I'm too beautiful, and you're too beautiful for that.

Time does not heal all wounds, it takes time and effort. I guess that's why I'm writing this. It doesn't go away unless you want it to go away and are willing to go through the process. It's not always easy. If I knew how good forgiveness felt, it wouldn't have taken me so long to do.

I'm Learning

I'm learning

I'm not as good as I thought

And people aren't as bad as I imagined

We usually judge ourselves on our intentions

But other's on their actions

But when I look at your sins

And the truth of my heart

The only difference is opportunity

The same grace I preach about

Has to reach into depths of my own soul

I don't know if I've just been holding out

Not wanting it to reach certain places

Or, if I'm just realizing the need

But I'm learning there is still some blackness

That I need grace to wash away

If I can be delivered from the past haunting me

There's no reason the demons in your life can't be defeated

If I can be forgiven

There's no reason I can't extend it

I'm not as good as I thought

And you're not as bad as I imagined

Our only difference has been opportunity