Better Than Expected

So if you don’t know by now, I’m getting married. Funny thing is that it didn’t happen the way I always expected. I’m not marrying the one I waited years for (can I get a hallelujah on that one!!! Oh Bless the Lord). No, the truth is God gave me so much better. I literally thank the Lord every day for the wonderful man that He has brought into my life. He is honestly more than I ever expected. When I met him, I thought maybe what I prayed for was possible. Now, I realized that my prayers have been answered. He is just that kind of man.

When I take the time to look back over the past relationships and heartbreaks, I don’t regret a single moment of it because the journey still led me here. There were those moments that I thought that I would never get a good man. My father once told me, “The love of the husband should awaken the love of the wife.” In other words, my love would be kindled in response to the love I received from my husband. If you have ever been in a toxic relationship where you were doing all the loving and hoping that one day it would be good enough, you can understand why I never thought that I would experience that type of love. I guess that is why I’m just so grateful to God that my prayers were answered.

I think I spent a lot of time in my life hoping that God was as good as they say He is. Now, don’t get me wrong. Most of you know that I am the first to tell you that God is good. I have known the goodness of God in his provision, his comfort, and his care. I’d seen God work so mightily in my life and I trusted him in every area, save one…matters of the heart. In this particular area, I hoped that God was as faithful as he was in the other areas of my life.

In January of this year, I prayed a really hard prayer. In fact, I felt so bad for saying it. I remembered the faithfulness of God and how he had delivered me, healed my brokenness, and provided for every one of my needs. I told God how I trusted him. He’d proved himself time and time again. “This I recall to mind therefore I have hope. It’s because of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed. For, his compassions fail not and his mercies are new every morning. Great is thy faithfulness.” Then I said the unthinkable, “Lord, I trust you in every area of my life save one…my heart. I trust you with everything but in this thing I don’t trust you because you have not proven yourself faithful.” Then I wept. It broke my heart to say such a thing to my Lord. Tears cloud my vision even now as I write about it. Maybe, I wept because he wept. Maybe, it broke my heart to say it because it had broken his heart to knowing that is the way I felt for years.

How a faithful God listens to his baby girl tell him that he hasn’t proven himself faithful is beyond me. After I said it, I cried myself to sleep, but God was there. He hovered over me that night and ministered to me as I slept. I don’t know what he did or even what all he said, but I woke up changed. I remember the Holy Spirit just loved on me all night long; he loved past my hurt and past my pain. His presence was so sweet even though my prayer wasn’t. The following morning, I uttered the day’s first words, “Lord, I trust you. I even trust you with my heart.”

I look back now and realize it was just a few short months ago. The darkest hour is just before dawn. God knew the blessing that he had in store for me even when it wasn’t anywhere I could see. I’m just so glad I decided to trust him. It’s been well worth the wait, and God truly is faithful.

Letting Go

I never imagined it would feel quite this way
Even though for years I dreamed of this day
Truth is I never thought it would come
But, now that it has I find myself surprised
About the feelings I hold inside
I don't regret the years or a single tear
I'm grateful for all they joys and pain
While I never thought I'd say this
I'm actually thankful for all I gained
We usually are ready to let go
When the pain of hanging on overwhelms us
When we find ourselves finally fed up
But the truth is I wasn't in any pain
I'd already healed and forgiven
The angry river had long dried up
There was no hae or bitterness in the equation
Only the realization that it was time
I never stopped loving or even started regretting
Everything that we'd been through
I guess I just realized my hart had moved on
Even though I thought never would
I let go not because I was tired or angry
But, because there was someone else I wanted to hold
I knew I couldn't enjoy the something new
Without letting go of the old.
I pray God blesses and keeps you
And your dreams they come to pass
Maybe one day love will come again
And I pray that it will last
Thank you for every moment the good and the bad
The tears of joy and sobs of pain
You taught me how to love unconditionally
Even when I believed in love's impossibility
I didn't always enjoy the journey
But the outcome was well worth it.
You can't enjoy the pearl while despising the process
Or, love diamonds hating the pressure it took to create it
You can admire the colorful wings of a butterfly
But, they developed in the dark of a cocoon
I guess the process is about over
And, we've come to our journey's end.
I'll think of you with a grateful heart
And send my love before you
My prayers for you remain in heaven
Ever before God's throne
Heaven alone knows should our paths ever cross
But for now I'm letting go

Not an Inconvenience

I met this guy at the grocery store. He followed me around like a little puppy dog. It was flattering and he was kinda cute and a little sexy so I smiled and flirted a bit. That is the kinda thin that ladies do. He even earned my number…lol. Though I considered it, I didn’t give him that whole “let me take yours” line.

I must say that after our first conversation, I was a little impressed. However, I was still working on keeping him at bay. I have this knack for running men away. It actually has been a goal of mine. So, on the way to seeing him a second time, I’m mentally preparing myself to not like him. I don’t even remember what he looks like; he’s probably isn’t that cute. Then, I pulled up and see him. Dang it, he’s fine…help me Holy Ghost! I can’t help the fact that I have a thing for hard working gentlemen with a dash of thug. (THANK YA!)

He invited me to dinner Saturday afternoon. We talked and enjoyed the company. It was really cute that he cooked for this vegetarian seeing that when I met him, the contents of his grocery basket was 3 package of meat lasagna, turkey bacon, and a box of Lucky charms. There wasn’t a single fruit or vegetable…lol. It starts to get late, it’s raining, and I’m sleepy so I tell him I need to go. My gas tank was on empty so I ask him where I can find the closest station. He looked out the window at the dark rainy mist, “You want me to trail you to the gas station so I can pump the gas for you. I don’t want you out in this mess.”

I must say that he stunned me with that one. I’ve always wanted a man who actually showed me that type of chivalry, but when it came, I was a little dumbfounded. There are women who have known this type of treatment their entire lives, but that just isn’t my testimony. Sure, I like to be spoiled so I make sure I spoil myself, but it’s so much better when someone is doing it for you. In my puzzlement, I questioned, “Umm, it’s raining and late. Isn’t it a bit of an inconvenient to do that for me?”

He raised his voice slightly and it grew firm, “See, you need to get that out of your head. Making you happy is not an inconvenience to me.”

That was the curve ball for me. I was doing a decent job at keeping him an arm’s length from my heart, but for some reason, that just caused a wall to fall. He didn’t mind making me happy; in fact, he actually wanted to make me happy.

The following morning, I was a guest on an early morning radio program. We were talking about God’s love and how important it is to know his hear. I shared scriptures, admonished in my “preacher” voice, and dialoged with the host. Midway through the program, I heard the Holy Spirit tell me to share the gas station story from the night before. I knew this guy was listening and I had done a pretty good job of keeping my feelings veiled; so, I tried to ignore the spirit. Notice, I said, “I tried.” The Spirit was relentless not for this guy’s sake, but for the sake of God’s own character. I’d experienced a living parable the previous night that illustrated the love of God. I know there are those prayers I didn’t want to pray because I didn’t want to bother God. Yet, he bids us seek, ask, and knock because he delights in us. Loving you is not an inconvenience to God.

This brought me so much joy today

Okay, this is absolutely hilarious. I thought I should share.

Healthy Balance

I grew up Seventh-day Adventist. A unique part of Adventist doctrine is the emphasis on health. We follow the Levitical laws concerning clean and unclean meats, while actually promoting a vegetarian diet. In fact, most American Adventist churches you visit won’t even serve meat. Adventists were among the first in America to come up with veggie food. While veggie burgers have become mainstream in the past few years, I’ve been eating it my entire life. And, Adventists live about 8 years longer than the average American.

We grew up with a knowledge of scripture concerning health. Your body is not your own but the temple of the Holy Spirit so honor God with your body. In whatsoever you eat or drink, do all to the glory of God. I wish above all things that you would prosper and be in health even as your soul prospers. All these scripture were preached from the pulpit. We had a health and temperance department in the church, attended health fairs, and cooking classes. Sometimes to a fault, health teachings could almost seem legalist.

Over the past few years, I’ve been more influenced by the Charismatic tradition. In this tradition, the most you hear about health is “God can heal you.” Lay hands on the sick and they will recover. The prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up and if he has sinned he will be forgiven. By Jesus’ stripes, you are healed. And, it is all true; healing is the children’s bread.

For a season, there was some reconciliation that I needed to do between the two traditions. I remember being in an Adventist church service and the pastor talked as though health and healing only came through your adherence to the health message. I left the service up in arms. What about faith and the supernatural? We have the same power and authority as Jesus, God is the one who heals all of our diseases! Then I watched those that preach healing, speak healing, and refuse to live or eat healing.

I remember being in the hospital room of a church member, a man of God. He’d had two heart attacks, and was in the hospital down the street from my job. I went to see him everyday. One day he stared off and said, “I remember God used to tell me, ‘You gotta take better care of your body. You need to start eating right and exercising.’ I just never did it.” He had one more heart attack before he eventually passed. Maybe a year later, God was talking to me about his goodness and how he doesn’t do bad things. He brought back to my remembrance that conversation in that hospital room. God began to minister to me that the heart attacks were not his plan and he didn’t do it; but, rather, God told him how to prevent them. It wasn’t a critique on this man’s spirituality, to live is Christ and to die is gain. But, rather, God was revealing his goodness and the balance.

I will forever believe in the healing power of God; in the same way, I’ll always believe in the blessing of obedience. The two are not at odds with each other. God’s laws are not arbitrary neither is his counsel. As Christians, we are not under the law, but rather grace. In his grace and goodness, God gave us counsel on how to do better. So, why not do it? The supernatural can and does supersede the natural. God’s grace makes up for what we lack; it makes up for our disobedience. But, grace is not an excuse for disobedience or a reason to remain in ignorance. God does not use his power override our laziness. God does require of us to do better. God has rule in every part of our life. He’s not just worried about whether or not you are doing the “big” sins; he’s working in us to make us better…mind, body, and spirit.

For all pastor's wives...Maybe he'll think before he speaks

This is absolutely hilarious. My dad is a pastor, along with my sister, her husband, and my uncle. And, go figure...I work in ministry too. This is too funny.

Ok...Here's the entire speech

I wanted to give everyone an opportunity to listen to the entire speech Obama made concerning faith and politics. While Dr. Dobson has really come against Obama like he's not a Christian, I think the entire speech will give you an opportunity to make your own judgements.

I did like the shirt...and Let It Go!

In the process of transferring 2 years worth of blogs, I was afforded the opportunity to look over my state of mind and emotions during this time. As I survey the changes, there is one thing I feel more that anything else…GRATEFUL. My heart is overwhelmed with thankfulness because I’m not there anymore.

As I strolled down memory lane, I remembered how I felt. I recalled the nights of salty rainstorms pounding my cheeks and the set of luggage that had settled under my eyes by morning. The pain, loneliness, anger, and bitterness flashed through my mind’s eye like an old time picture show. It was kinda like watching a movie. I could see the pain, understand why it was there, and sympathize with that disappointed baby girl; yet, I couldn’t feel it any more. Even as I recalled what brought me to that place, I realized the situations that sent me on an emotional roller coaster no longer captivated my attention; much less my emotions and thoughts.

I actually let it go. I had written poems talking about how I should let it go. Then, there were the blogs about why I was going to let it go. I even bought a shirt that said “Let It Go” with a scripture on the back. But, when depression, my temper tantrums, and crying spells hit, I knew the thing that I longed to do still eluded me. I remember that. I remember thinking I finally got it; that river of anger is gone. Then, the storms of life happened and that river overflowed its banks once again.

I guess that is why I’m so happy and grateful. I’m no longer carrying those deadly emotions so I’m really walking in abundant life. I can finally love, and I really love to love. I tried loving before, but was so sure that it was the source of my pain. I loved God and I loved other people, but I had forgotten to love someone very important…myself. Now, I love me, and that makes it so much easier to love other people. I’m happy. I dance and sing all day. The joy of the Lord is my strength, and I’m strong in the Lord and the power of His might.

During the exodus, God told the children of Israel to gather stones of remembrance. He wanted them to remember where they had come from and how far he had brought them. The feast of booths was dedicated to remembering. Sometimes, we have to take time to look back and remember. So, make sure you are gathering stones along the way. Remember the victorious battles; they will give you strength to win the war.

I must really really love Angela a whole lot!!!

I have spent the last few hours transferring 2 years worth of blogs to a new location. Why would I do that? No other reason, but Angela.



A couple of weeks ago, Angela tells me that I need to post my blogs in a new location (she did give me a list of suggested sites), because she no longer wanted to log onto myspace to read them. In fact, she doesn't even know if she wants to be on these social networking internet sites anymore...lol.

So, I, being the great and wonderful friend that I am, transferred all of my blogs to a new site http://preachagyrl.blogspot.com/. I guess I'll be posting all my new blogs there too. So please visit my new site http://preachagyrl.blogspot.com/. And, thank Angela.

The moral of the story is...

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." Matt 7:7

If we as people are fickle and moody, yet we know how to be good to our friends, how much more do you expect God to do for you.

Ok...so check out my new blog... http://preachagyrl.blogspot.com/

Actually, if you are reading this you are checking out my new blog...so thanks for stopping by!!!

Compelled to share

As some of you may or may not know, Monday was my birthday. I think that it is important to take time during this season to really seek God and his heart. I like to know the direction or promise for the coming year.

This past Friday, I went to a prayer retreat which was just awesome and anointed. The woman of God, Pastor Denise Ray, did a lot of teaching on consecration. I had really been feeling that in my spirit, and this really helped solidify what God was already speaking. During the retreat, we did a lot of soul searching in looking at things that are in our lives that displease the Lord. Now, while we did that over the weekend, when I got home, I was still seeking God in my personal time about the things in my life that may displease him. By Tuesday, God really began to deal with me on a particular subject...gossip. I am compelled to share.

I've never considered myself a person who gossips much. I don't try to look for drama or to pry in people's business. However, there are those times when news just comes and finds you. We passively participate in the gossip by listening to it, even if we never repeat it. Then, there are those moments when drama hits our life, or family. You know how it is when we fall out with one of friends, co-workers, family member, or even an ex. We end up calling all our other friends, the closest ones and tell them what all went down. It's the subject of conversation for the next week. "Girl, have you talked to so and so..." I've found myself disguising gossip in a prayer request, "Pray for my family because yesterday..." You notice how you will go on about that prayer request for 15 minutes, give all the details, and answer all the questions during the interrogation from your girls. Yet, we get off the phone without ever bowing our heads.

The truth is that it is all gossip. By the time we are finished telling it, the little drama we were dealing with when from a 5 minute skit to a 90 minute feature film. We spend 20 minutes telling the prayer request and not even half that time interceding. Sometimes we find this same thing as one church will bash another; or, one ministry attacks another. Some people have built entire ministries based on tearing others down, and proving that someone is preaching heresy (and this helps win people to Christ how? Oh, it doesn't. It takes the gospel...good news...for that.) This absolutely hurts the heart of God.

When we gossip and talk bad about people, our tongues come into agreement with the devil. Revelation 12:10 refers to Satan as "the accuser of our brothers" and he "accuses them before our God day and night." Basically, Satan goes before God and tells him how horrible we are. Every mistake, misspoken word, and every fallout that we have Satan is taking that before God. His purpose is to convince God, that we, as God's people, aren't fit and don't deserve heaven. When we put our mouths on people, we sit in the place of Satan and act as the accuser of our brothers. Our mouths are used for Satan's glory and not God's.

It absolutely hurts my heart to know that I've come in agreement with the devil to put my mouth on someone. Gossip is directly contrary to the heart of God. I'm literally writing this blog with tears because this hurts Daddy's heart. I've hurt my father's heart. We are our brother's keeper, yet, we kill him with our tongue.

"It is foolish to belittle one's neighbor;
a sensible person keeps quiet.

"A gossip goes around telling secrets,
but those who are trustworthy can keep a confidence."

Proverbs 11:12-13

When we screw up, like we all do, come to our God, and repent, he removes our sins. As far as the east is from the west, God removes our sins from us. He does not expose our nakedness; he does not expose our shame. Daddy covers me so the world does not see how messed up I really am. Daddy does not show your mess to the world, but rather he says, "I will heal your backsliding." God would rather heal you before he shows the world your sin. Love covers a multitude of sin. Daddy covers us with his righteousness cuz he knows ours is as filthy rags. God is love. Love keeps no record of wrong, it doesn't delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. Love always protects, always trust, always hopes, and always perseveres.

That is Daddy's heart and gossip is directly contrary to it. If you don't know Christ, I'm really not talking to you. However, if you name yourself among the saints, KEEP YOUR MOUTH OFF OF PEOPLE. Stop talking about your girl who did you wrong, your ex, your crazy mom, and your deadbeat dad. Quit talking about these pastors and ministries, and stop looking for the next leader to fall. If something is wrong with the church, realize that you are the church so look in the mirror first. Then intercede. Pray church pray! Spend the time you want to be complaining, interceding.

I don't like to hurt God so my heart is really broken in this matter. This is a hard word and pretty uncomfortable, but it is so true. Him who has an ear, let him hear.

You know when you try to put this into practice you might upset a few people when you tell them you don't want to hear it or that you aren't going to tell it. They will get over themselves. I'd rather be rejected by men, than be rejected by God. *Sigh* That was draining.

Blessings...

To be loved

My favorite disciple has always been John. He referred to himself as the "disciple whom Jesus loved." It wasn't that he was being arrogant or bragging because Jesus loved him and not the other disciples. In fact, Jesus loved John the same as he loved the rest of them. John just knew how much he was loved. He was so excited about being loved by Jesus, that it became is identification. Truth is when you know that you are loved it truly changes your identity.

Over the past year, God has given me an identity change. Since I was a child I feared that I wouldn't be loved; that fear of rejection plagued me. It's probably why I, like many others, would apologize for who I am. It made me want to deepen my voice so others wouldn't hear that high pitched squeal. It's what caused me to hold back my excitement to avoid acting like some giddy blonde. I could try to look hard, but truth is I'm really all smiles. I have my hood moments, but when I answer the phone and sound like "a white girl," it's a dead giveaway that I was raised in the burbs. It's who I am.

Let's be real; while people may try to be someone else, who they really are will eventually shine through. I can deepen my voice but if you are around me long enough, you are going to hear me sound like Alvin and the chipmunks. Those blonde moments are real, hence, the highlights (lol). And for the record, all white people do not talk proper. But, more importantly, it's me without apologies.

You ever been apologizing for yourself, and someone says, "Oh, I love that about you!" All of a sudden, you're not sorry anymore, and it's ok to be you. There is such a great freedom in being loved, because you don't have to strive anymore. You can rest and literally bathe in being loved; you're not trying to fix yourself so you'll get love, when you already have it. You just soak in it.

(I've been told not to tell people this story, but it's too awesome not to share.)

One day, I was on my way to work and just talking to God in the car. We were talking about how He made everyone so unique and He actually meant to do that. Then, God tells me the sweetest thing ever. It absolutely made my day. God tells me that He loves my hair. When it clicks that he loves my hair. I gasp, my voice goes an octave higher, and in blonde teenage hysteria, I yell, "Jesus you love my hair!" Then the thought settles, I sigh, my eyes water, and I softly whisper, "You love my hair."

It was one of those holy moments in time, when God tells you something that is so intimate that it not only changes what you think about yourself but changes what you think about Him. I was excited, then humbled that God would even have an opinion on my hair. But, then again, he created my hair, made that wild curly texture, and even has each hair numbered. My eyes still water at the thought that he loves me that much.

("How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered. Ps 139:17)

It's not just that he loves me. God knows how he created each of us. He made the extrovert outgoing on purpose, and that wall flower is just as beautiful to him too. He loves those artsy flower children like me and those boring analytical people too (j/k about the boring part). He made us so differently, yet all for his glory. Whether a person is a deep and reflective introvert or spacey extrovert, God loves our uniqueness. He's not trying to change our personality, but rather he perfects our character as to bring out the best in us.

When you recognize and celebrate how much God loves you, it's so much easier to celebrate other people. You know, I think I'm beautiful. I really believe that beauty radiates from me. That's not an arrogant statement or one that I should apologize for. It's a celebratory statement. I love me, and I haven't always. But, it makes it so easy to love other people. I see my beauty and celebrate it, so when I see other beautiful women, I can celebrate them too. I don't think people realize it but there's no competition in love, but rather rest and freedom. I've found so my peace and joy…I've found my identity in being the babygyrl whom Jesus loves.

Even in the little things

Okay, so I live in Nashville, TN and this winter has been ridiculously cold. Now, I know that I was born in Cleveland, OH. It is cold there, and you have lake effect snow. But, you expect it to be cold in Cleveland. Tennessee winters are supposed to be mild. I've been in the south for 10 years now, and that is what I have been accustomed to…mild winters. Now, my girls and I usually go out on Thursday nights. Do you know this past Thursday it was 12 degrees outside? It was soooooo cold. I mean it was 20 degrees in New York…so please tell me how it got to be 8 degrees colder in Nashville.

Now I wasn't digging 12 degrees so on the way to the car I started talking to Jesus. I said, "Jesus, it is too cold. I live in Nashville. It's supposed to be warmer than this. I need it to be 60 degrees tomorrow, Jesus." Then I thought about it a bit and continued, "Ok, Jesus I need it to be 60 degrees next week."

That's when Marla tried to interrupt my prayer, "Girl, shut up! It is not going to be 60 degrees. If it was, you would get sick!"

We went back and forth a bit, but I concluded with, "I can talk to Jesus if I want to and if I want it to be 60 degrees, I'm going to ask him to make it 60 degrees. And, I'm not going to get sick! Jesus, I'm serious, please make it 60 degrees next week!"

Okay, so when I checked the forecast this morning it said a high of 61 degrees.

My point is: He's concerned about the things that concern us. He answers the small arbitrary prayers just because He loves us. If the little things matter, please believe the big things matter.

Thanks Daddy!!!