Beauty...I'm so sexy

Most of my life I've been a thick girl. I lost some weight a few years ago and I've put most of it back on. I think that I will head back to Weight Watchers at the beginning of the year because I need the discipline back in my life. All that being said, I feel SO FREAKING SEXY! I feel so confident in who I am right now. It's not to say that I don't have those moments when I'm displeased with my body, but in general, I'm pleased with myself.

There may be a few of you who are reading this thinking that all that confidence will lead or has already led to pride. But, I'm not writing this blog because of pride, but because of contentment. Sometimes we strive so hard for this sense of perfection in our lives. We are constantly trying to please people or fit into some mold. People think that if they just alter their appearance they will be happy and everything will go well. They will be more attractive or get more attention. But, there is something so beautiful and freeing about being comfortable in the skin that you are in.

I understand what it feels like to not know your own beauty and to think that you are ugly. I know all too well the journey of finding beauty in yourself especially when your big hips cannot fit into the box society has marked "beautiful."

Now, I have the joy of loving myself more than I ever have. It honestly goes far beyond my appearance because that is just a branch of this towering oak. It's the joy of contentment. It's the freedom you find in knowing your place in Christ. It's not having to live up to someone else's standard, but the courage to set your own. It's the power of letting go of past hurts, rejection, the need for approval, even some of my own expectations.

There is something to be said of having a mind change. People say that beauty is skin deep, but I would disagree. Beauty must be at your very core and it starts from the inside out. When beauty is at your very heart, it seeps out of your pores. When you change your mind, you change your outlook. Changing your outlook changes how you see yourself. How you see yourself determines the value you place on yourself. The value you place on yourself will be the value others place on you. Don't stop at having a beautiful body, but make sure you have a beautiful mind.

Remembering an old friend

Today marks the anniversary of the passing of a dear friend, Mark Kudnik. He was such a wonderful man of God. When he entered the room, you knew it. His grin was always from ear to ear, and there was always praises on his lips.

I'll always remember those days I spent in the hospital room with him, and learned at his bedside. In his last days, all he talked about was his daughter. He knew that he hadn't been the best dad and he regretted that, but he loved her so much and just longed for her to know that. Heaven only knows how much I needed that; I needed to know that just because a father wasn't there didn't mean that he didn't care. I needed to know that he loved his daughter to help me believe that my father loved me.

Those days in the hospital with Mark helped me to see a different side of the coin. We ususally live in our own paradigm and never try to see anything different. But, I'm glad that God gave me a moment to glimpse into the heart of a father. He also put in my heart a desire for true and lasting reconciliation.

Over the past year, a lot has change. I've grown in so many different ways. I've forgiven those who hurt me. I let go of past pain. I also threw out the script I was rehearsing called "The Drama of My Life." In fact, this Father's Day, I made a list, not of what he didn't do, but all that he did do. I took time to remember the good stuff that goes unnoticed because we are trippin about the bad. Truthfully, Mark was a big part of that. Those weeks going to the hospital every day served as a catalyst for something that was so wonderful...grace and forgiveness. Thank you so much, Mark. I love you and you are not forgotten.

"To live as Christ, and to die is gain."