The Inspiration of Miseducation

Dennis and I were in Target one day going through the music section. As we were flipping though the cd’s, I found The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. That album dropped in like 98-99, my senior year of high school. She made hip-hop history by winning 5 Grammy’s. When that cd came out, I listened to it constantly and loved it. Of course, some way, some how, it got borrowed (umm…stolen) when I went to college. Now, I knew that cd was fire. But, fast forward 10 years, and I realize that Lauryn is a prophet cuz she was singing my diary before I got a chance to write it.

Track 3—Ex-Factor: I keep letting you back in. How can I explain myself? As crazy as this thing has been, I just can’t be with no one else. See, I know what we’ve got to do. You let go and I’ll let go too ‘cause no one’s hurt me more than you. And, no one ever will…

I know ya’ll remember that, and I’m not talking about the song. Heaven only knows how many times I went around that mountain with that boy. Forget about letting him back in, I never let him leave. It’s true; I didn’t think that I could be with anyone else or that there would ever be anyone else. I think sometimes we like to put the blessing before the Blesser, turning that blessing into a curse. For me, there was a long time that I thought that the only way I would be blessed is if it came one way. Please believe that God is so much bigger than that.

Track 8—When It Hurts So Bad: I loved real, real hard once, but the love wasn’t returned. Found out the man I’d die for, he wasn’t even concerned. I tried, and I tried, and I tried to keep him in my life. I cried, and I cried, and I cried, but I couldn’t make it right.

I lived here so long it was ridiculous. But, the truth is there are very few of us who don’t come here and pitch a tent. Anything that could have been a blessing was turning into a curse. This was a time that made me question a lot, but mainly me. When you do everything you can to keep someone, and everything you know to make them happy all to no avail, you can’t help but thinking that you are the problem. Sometimes we make the mistake of wrapping up all our self-worth into someone else. It’s one of the biggest mistakes we can make. It’s idolatry against our selves and against our God. See, I thought this feeling it was all that I had. But, how could this be love that makes me feel so bad? It’s not.

Track 9—I Used to Love Him: Father you saved me and showed me that life was much more than being some foolish man's wife; showed me that love was respect and devotion, greater than planets deeper than oceans. My soul was weary but now it's replenished, content because that part of my life is finished.

When I got to this point, it was like a weight was lifted off of me. I was so happy. I’d loved him, lost him, and forgave him. Then, I was able to start loving me, and I gave my affections back to my God. You know, I wasn’t just angry with some guy. I was angry with God; deep down, I thought it was his fault, and He was the reason I wasn’t happy. Then I encountered His love. You are never the same after you’ve experienced the love of God. His love is constant regardless of you. He doesn’t love based on how good I am, but based on how good He is. I traded my sorrow for the joy of the Lord. And everyone I met could tell. I finally let go, not just of some guy, but all the baggage I collected in process of trying to hold on to him.

Track 15—Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You: You're just too good to be true; can't take my eyes off you. You'd be like heaven to touch. I wanna hold you so much. At last long love has arrived. And I thank God I'm alive. You're just too good to be true; can't take my eyes off you.

I’s married now! My husband is everything that I prayed for and more. God literally answered every prayer concerning my husband, and there were a lot of times that I didn’t even think He was listening. God doesn’t just hear us, but He answers. Honestly, I had a long list. The list I prayed was pretty short, but the one in my heart just got longer with time. Over the past 10 years, there were a lot of times I just said “my husband is going to do this” or “I want my husband to do that.” I actually don’t remember everything that I said, but every so often Dennis does something and God reminds me that its what I asked for. Case in point, when I was growing up in Ohio, I used to play chess daily, but once I moved south, I only found someone to play with sporadically (like once every few years sporadically). I kept my chess set on display in my living room and sometimes I would glance at it and say, “I want my husband to play chess.” We never played while we were dating, but one day, Dennis grabs the chess board. Our first game was a stalemate. God had given me a worthy opponent. We don’t eat the same foods (except for sweets), don’t like the same music, and didn’t keep the same company. We’re from two different worlds, but love the same great game.

Track 16—Tell Him: Now I may have faith to make mountains fall, but if I lack love then I am nothin' at all. I can give away everything I possess, but left without love then I have no happiness. I know I'm imperfect and not without sin, but now that I'm older all childish things end. And tell him...

It’s definitely been a journey. I’m at the end of me, and we have only just begun. The two have become one and such a union can only be sustained by love. Everyday, we are perfecting that love walk. We can only give what we’ve first received. Only after I received that love from my Daddy (God), was I able to extend it. It’s funny, when I get upset with Dennis, I listen to this song. When I’m just happy and basking in his love, I listen to this song. This song speaks of that good loving, that bears all, believes all, hopes all, and endures all. That kind of loving is good on a bad day.

Better Than Expected

So if you don’t know by now, I’m getting married. Funny thing is that it didn’t happen the way I always expected. I’m not marrying the one I waited years for (can I get a hallelujah on that one!!! Oh Bless the Lord). No, the truth is God gave me so much better. I literally thank the Lord every day for the wonderful man that He has brought into my life. He is honestly more than I ever expected. When I met him, I thought maybe what I prayed for was possible. Now, I realized that my prayers have been answered. He is just that kind of man.

When I take the time to look back over the past relationships and heartbreaks, I don’t regret a single moment of it because the journey still led me here. There were those moments that I thought that I would never get a good man. My father once told me, “The love of the husband should awaken the love of the wife.” In other words, my love would be kindled in response to the love I received from my husband. If you have ever been in a toxic relationship where you were doing all the loving and hoping that one day it would be good enough, you can understand why I never thought that I would experience that type of love. I guess that is why I’m just so grateful to God that my prayers were answered.

I think I spent a lot of time in my life hoping that God was as good as they say He is. Now, don’t get me wrong. Most of you know that I am the first to tell you that God is good. I have known the goodness of God in his provision, his comfort, and his care. I’d seen God work so mightily in my life and I trusted him in every area, save one…matters of the heart. In this particular area, I hoped that God was as faithful as he was in the other areas of my life.

In January of this year, I prayed a really hard prayer. In fact, I felt so bad for saying it. I remembered the faithfulness of God and how he had delivered me, healed my brokenness, and provided for every one of my needs. I told God how I trusted him. He’d proved himself time and time again. “This I recall to mind therefore I have hope. It’s because of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed. For, his compassions fail not and his mercies are new every morning. Great is thy faithfulness.” Then I said the unthinkable, “Lord, I trust you in every area of my life save one…my heart. I trust you with everything but in this thing I don’t trust you because you have not proven yourself faithful.” Then I wept. It broke my heart to say such a thing to my Lord. Tears cloud my vision even now as I write about it. Maybe, I wept because he wept. Maybe, it broke my heart to say it because it had broken his heart to knowing that is the way I felt for years.

How a faithful God listens to his baby girl tell him that he hasn’t proven himself faithful is beyond me. After I said it, I cried myself to sleep, but God was there. He hovered over me that night and ministered to me as I slept. I don’t know what he did or even what all he said, but I woke up changed. I remember the Holy Spirit just loved on me all night long; he loved past my hurt and past my pain. His presence was so sweet even though my prayer wasn’t. The following morning, I uttered the day’s first words, “Lord, I trust you. I even trust you with my heart.”

I look back now and realize it was just a few short months ago. The darkest hour is just before dawn. God knew the blessing that he had in store for me even when it wasn’t anywhere I could see. I’m just so glad I decided to trust him. It’s been well worth the wait, and God truly is faithful.