Letting Go

Letting Go

To let go doesn't mean to stop caring;
It means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
It's the realization that I don't control another
To let go is not to enable,
But to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness,
Which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another
I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for,
But to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
But to be supportive.
To let go is not to be protective;
It is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
But to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,
But to search out my own shortcomings and correct them
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,
But to try to become what I dream I can be
To let go is not to regret the past but to grow
And live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.

Author unknown

Settling the Score

Eventually, we all have to settle the score. There comes a point when we have to deal with who we really are versus whom people say we are. Not everyone wants to settle it, but life and progress requires it. Everyone is going to see something different when they look at you. Some may look at you as if you are wasting potential while others see potential happening. The question is who are you really?

Recently, someone told me that I was going to disappoint a lot people, namely that person. So, I thought about my life. I graduated magna cum laude from college and I'm working on my masters (with no loans). I'm not living immoral, no children out of wedlock, and no man in jail. I love Jesus and I'm in active ministry. I have a full-time job with benefits, my own place, and I'm not free loading off of anyone. I got a good head on my shoulders and I live like it. Yet, disappointing.

Statements like that used to really get me down until I settled the score. I'm realizing that I'm going to disappoint people because I'm not who they say I am. "Fear of man will prove a snare, but whoever trust in the Lord is kept safe" (Proverbs 29:25). I can't live based on whether or not I'm going to be disappointing to people, but on whether or not I'm going to be disappointing to my God.

Do you know how disappointing Jesus must have been to the Jews? They are looking for a Messiah to deliver them from the Romans and to reestablish the throne of David. They are looking for a militant, and then Jesus comes on the scene. It was cool that he was healing the sick and feeding the crowds, but when was he going to take out the Romans. The Jews were looking for a right now king, but Jesus was talking about His kingdom was not of this world. And, just think how his followers felt when the Messiah who was to deliver them from the Romans was instead crucified by them.

"Who do men say that I am?" They had it wrong about him, what makes you think they are going to get it right concerning you. So who are you really?

I feel like I passed the bar!

Thanksgiving is almost here and I've got a lot to be thankful for. More than anything, I'm thankful that I'm free. You ever go around a mountain over and over and over again. And you prayed and cried and prayed and cried asking God to move on your behalf and it looked like nothing happened. Then it clicks, if God isn't changing the situation, then He must be changing you.

December 30, 2005, I asked God for a word for the coming year. It wasn't the smooth word that I was hoping for, but it was a true word. "Be in pain, and labor to bring forth, O daughter of Zion" (Micah 4:10a). Of this I'm sure, the word of God proves true every time. When I got the word, I received it and told God that I would be in pain and labor as long as my work was not in vain.

This year has been a year of warfare and loss family, friends, relationships...whatever can be shaken will shake and whatever can be broken will break. Truth is most of the time, I was the one left broken. It's not much of a sob story though because there is one thing we know for sure is that in the midst of the brokeness...God draws near. It's like a magnet for His presence. And in the midst of it all, Daddy was right there.

Today, while at was at work just thinking about some things, I realized that I passed. I'm not the same woman I was a year ago or even six months ago. I've been in pain, and I've labored, and I've brought forth a change, a freedom I didn't have before. My warfare has ended, and I passed. I'm not going around this mountain anymore, cuz I passed. You know God can't promote us until we become overqualified in our current position. We have to pass the test. Well I'm excited because I passed.

When God is taking us into our promise land, we first have to war to drive out the enemy. We must drive out the Caananites, Jebusites, Hittites, Amorites, and Hivites. Along with the haterites, liarites, insecurites, lustites, bitterites, angerites, and all the rest of those ites. Regardless of what enemy you have to fight, I praise God that He teaches my hands to war. I praise God that my best days are ahead of me. I'm walking in purpose and entering into promise.

So I'm at work, and it clicks that I'm free. I was trying to do my work next thing I know I'm crying and just praying in the Spirit. I started clapping my hands. I had to get up and walk around...I almost did a victory lap. So I'm just telling the Lord, "I'm free." So I ask the Lord to confirm it in His word. I took my Bible up and opened it and his is what I read..."Evil-Merodach King of Babylon, in the year that he began to reign, released Jehoiachin king of Judah from prison, He spoke kindly to him and gave him a more prominent seat than those of the kings who were with him in Babylon." (2 Kings 25:27-28)...Now doesn't that sound like freedom and promotion to you. Hallelujah!!!

Forgiveness trumps anger, bitterness and resentment...everyday of the week

If you don't learn anything else in this life, learn to forgive. When people do us wrong, our first inclination is to get even. I tell you revenge is sweet to the taste, but sour to your stomach. Forgiveness taste bitter, but is health to your bones. Eat of the sweetness and watch your soul corrode, or drink the bitter cup and rest in peace.

A little over a month ago, a some drama went down. It was a big blowout and I was sick about it...literally. One night I was trying to go to sleep and all I could see what visions of me really trying to hurt someone. Another night, I dreamt of this same person, and the dream literally turned my stomach. Not to mention the fact that I was throwing the biggest coniption before the throne. I cried, yelled, cussed, quit eating, snapped at other people, talked real crazy to God, and cried and yelled and cussed some more.

Now we have all been mad before, and eventually, we calm down and go on. But, this time, God wouldn't just let me throw a temper tantrum, calm down, and move on like before. This time He showed me my heart and insisted that I forgive.

That is something especially when you are convinced that you are the victim, the one wronged, not the perpetrator. So at first I'm trippin because I'm thinking God is dealing with the wrong person. I'm not the liar, the deceiver. You are having this moment thinking..."God aren't you pitying the wrong one." I'm wanting God to tell me how he is going to curse those who curse me, and make my enemy my footstool. I'm waiting for God to judge those who have wrong me. And the only thing God has to say is that my heart isn't pure before Him and I need to forgive. So you know at first, your girl was trippin off of that. I was actually content with being pissed off, but God wasn't feeling it and said forgive.

Usually, we talk about how God will help us eventually forgive and move on. But don't be decieved, it seemed like God wasn't helpin me on this one...He already gave me every thing that pertains to life and godliness. Now God wanted to see if I was going to use what He already gave me. The Word works...the question is...are you gonna work the Word? Forgiveness is a choice. It is not one that God makes for you, but you have to choose it for yourself. Now God will help you deal with the hurts, emotions, and aftermath of being wronged, but forgiveness is your choice.

So finally, I get real with God and I take it back. Back to the first time the person ever lied, back to the first time it hurt. It's time out for the surface stuff. We've got to dig up our bitterness from the root. So I prayed, "Father I choose to forgive _____, for doing ____. It made me feel ____. And Lord please help me deal with these emotions." I could tell the stuff that I'd already forgiven...when I got to it I didn't feel anything, I was just doing the mantra. However, when I got to the stuff I hadn't forgiven, I was boo hoo, snot nose before the throne.

That cup was bitter, but it gave me my life back. I slept good that night. For the first time in a long time, I could let go. It didn't matter if people were punished or pardoned because I was released from the burden. Anger, bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness are cruel task masters. Sometimes we hold on to them like they are our best friend and they are really doing something for us. The truth is...they only drive us to an early grave.

Funny thing (true story...see my blog post..."drama doesn't change, we do") the exact thing happened again. The thing that took me a week to get over the last time, took about an hour to get over this time. How could it be you ask?...I let go...How'd I do that you wonder?...I forgave. Forgiveness is freedom. "Great peace have they that love Thy law, and nothing shall offend them."

I don't even know who I am

So I've come to grips with the fact that right now I'm in discovery mode. I wouldn't say that I'm trying to find myself because that leaves the impression that I might be lost. However, to discover means to find out information that was not previously known. That is exactly where I am in my life.

I think so often people think you have it all together, and since that's what people think it becomes the standard that you try to live. But, people's perception of you cannot be your standard because if the expectation is unreasonable...you'll never measure up. In the same token, if the expectation is lacking...you'll never come up.

The truth is I don't even know who I am. (And neither do you.) For the first time, I'm really comfortable with that. I'm truly searching out who I am and what I actually like and don't like. What are my giftings? I'm not talking about some survey that someone passes around, but soul-searching and soul-discovery. Sometimes, I have spent so much time hoping that someone else saw something of value in me, that I never took the time to see my own worth. You spend so much time trying to live up to someone's standard for you, that you never get a chance to set your own standard.

I don't know who I am, but I'm pretty cool with that. The truth is it's actually biblical.

"Beloved, now we are children of God; and it has not yet been revealed what we shall be, but we know that when He is revealed, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is." 1 John 3:2

Truth is I find a lot of comfort in the fact that I'm still discovering myself when God already said that I don't even know what I shall be, but I'm glad in the end...I'll be like Him.

Drama doesn't change...we do

So, I have learned a very valuable lesson. One I wished that I had learned years ago. I think that if I had, I would have saved a lot of tears. There wouldn't have been so many nights that I cried myself to sleep. I probably wouldn't have had so many angry talks with God. The truth is...drama doesn't change, we do.

Yesterday, a little drama went down. It's funny that I can call it little. Because the truth of the matter is this same thing happen a little over a month ago and I was so pissed off. I was crying and yelling and depressed. I was yelling at God asking Him what I was supposed to do and all the like drama. Big blowout. And honestly, I don't know why it was so big because it is the same drama that has been going on for 9 years. (Yes...I realize in this arena I've been a very very slow learner; however, it's not how long it takes, but that we actually learn it.) I'm really so excited that I learned the lesson.

The EXACT same thing happened, and at first I was a little upset. But, honestly, I think I just felt a little more disrespected than anything and the nonchalant response didn't help. So I call my girl and ask what should I do. Well, the funniest part is that I'm talking to her telling her what went down...she's still going off and I was just like...ok that's enough...I'm done and I got other work to do. That was it. That was the extent of my response...in an hour, after blowing a little steam...I was done.

In times past, I'm ready to call someone and go off, cry and go through the rigamaru of it all (ok I realize that rigamaru is probably not a word, but I liked the way it sounded). However, this time, my exit was quiet...just a simple text..."I'm done." No big tadu, no tears, no nothing, I actually didn't feel a thing...just a quiet end. And as I look back, there were some good points and some bad, I can't say whether or not it was all worth it...but it was a ride none the less.

People will be people and you cannot make them change. You can't make situations change. Sometimes I've wonder, if all those prayers I prayed fell on deaf ears because nothing changed. God didn't answer them the way I wanted him to (that seems to be a theme this week...praying for healing, but things pass away...I guess that is a healing in itself.). The drama did not change...I did. I finally found enough strength to let it go. It actually feels good to be free.

To live is Christ and to die is gain

This morning when I got to work I was hit with the news that a dear brother that I went to church with passed. I was definitely taken back as we were all praying for his healing. Of course, now, he definitely is healed, but not in the manner that I desired. I got the opportunity to spend a good amount of time with Mark while he was in the hospital. In fact, I probably spent more intimate time with him in the hospital than I ever had before.

As I think about everything, Mark was definitely a testimony. He was a testimony to the grace of God, and a testimony of a life lived in worship to God. He had a joy and a zeal for life that no one can imagine. His smile was always from ear to ear. The scriptures are true that out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks, and even in the hospital bed doped on medication, he still uttered "Praise the Lord." That was the confession of his mouth, because it was his heart.
While church services may not be the same, and I'll miss the awesome testimonies of checks in the mail and the provision of God and his "Woo!" and "Hallelujah!" I take joy in knowing that he is has entered into the rest of the Lord.

"For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord." 1Thess 4:16-17

Like Paul, Mark can now proclaim "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Finally, there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give to me on that Day, and not to me only but also to all who have loved His appearing" (2 Tim 4:6-7). When someone passes we usually call it loss, but "to live is Christ and to die is gain" (Phil 1:21). So we won't just mourn loss, but let us celebrate the kingdom's gain.

You might need to read this...I did

One Flaw In Women
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what
makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say
and everything to give.
However, we do have one flaw....
we tend to forget our worth.....

So, I'm having a moment...

You said come let us reason together
Well, Daddy, I'm here
And the truth is I'm really not understanding
What's up or down, what's right or wrong
Daddy, I really need you guiding me along
Cuz I just don't know anymore
You know I've been waiting on you
But it's been so long
I don't remember what I'm waiting for
Or if I even want it anymore
Daddy I know you hear me
You answer even before I call
Daddy, won't you do something
Cuz I don't know what I'm doing at all
Can't you see, I've been laboring with all my might
But, Daddy, I don't have any strength left to fight
I'm your daughter in travail with no strength to press through
So I'm at your throne begging for some help from you
Daddy, I know your faithful and your promises don't fail
But maybe I heard you wrong, cuz I'm ready to bail