This afternoon, I received a text that said, "Remember: It's complete in 07 so let's get ready for new beginnings in 08." That really got me to thinking about the past year and the things that God has accomplished in it. All in all, it's been a good year and God has truly completed a work. So, here's the break down (Note: Don't e-mail or call me asking questions about details concerning things mentioned in this blog. I included the details I wanted you to know. I love you guys and thanks for loving me too.):
The beginning of February, I had a Friday off from work and I was clearly having a moment. I'm snot-nosed before the throne talking to Daddy. I'd been having these crying spells for a few weeks now and was sick of using my hormones as my excuse…go figure ladies. So, I'm reading the bible and came across a passage that I'd read hundreds of times before, but it stuck me in a new way.
"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written: 'For Your sake we are killed all day long; We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.' Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Rom 8:35-39
After reading this passage, I realized that Paul knew something that I didn't. He was persuaded about God's love, and I wasn't. Not only did I doubt its depth, but sometimes I doubted its very existence. So, I asked the Lord to allow me to be persuaded.
After that warm and fuzzy prayer asking God to allow me to be persuaded about His love, you would expect warm and fuzzy experiences. Of course, that is not what I got. It's not to say that God didn't give me blessings and answer my prayers in noticeable ways, but the trials ahead would cause me to question the very nature of God. I remember lamenting the very existence of love. It seemed to me a curse rather than a blessing, and I wanted no part of it. It really was a crossroad because the very nature of God is love and it seemed to be a nature that I abhorred.
Life happened, events followed, and to say the least, I was devastated. I was angry at God, a few people, and of course, myself. I didn't want to be close to God anymore. I just wanted to be close enough as not to upset him, but far enough for him not to hurt me because I blamed him for everything that happened. We didn't talk much for a while. I told Him that I wouldn't do the blatant sins that are clearly against his word, but as for the other stuff, I wasn't doing anything extra. So, I came from underneath my vow.
Meanwhile, depression was kicking my butt and I literally couldn't get through a day at work without a few crying breaks. I revived an old addiction to help numb pain. It eased my mind for a moment, but I knew it wasn't a healthy way to deal with my emotions. Soon, I made a decision not to be a pissed off, bitter, 40 years old woman. Because at 25, I knew that if I held on to the hurt and pain, in fifteen years, that's what I'd be. As Donna Partow says, "One of the crowning acts of Satan is a bitter old woman. Hate and resentment are eating her up not because of her sin, but her sinful response to someone else's sin." That being said, I took my butt to counseling because I wasn't trying to be pissed off the rest of my life.
I must pause here a moment to say something of God's mercy and his goodness. In this time, I couldn't really pray, but God had so many people praying for me. People would walk up to me and say, "God woke me up a 4:30 this morning to pray for you. I don't know what you are going through, but He's gonna bring you out." Others would stop me to let me know they were praying. I'd tell God that I didn't feel like talking to him, and He would give me a dream to let me know that someone was praying for me. Months later, I found out people who I hadn't even talked to for a long time were praying me through. The Bible talks about bearing one another's burdens. God knows what we can bear, and what we need help with. He always sends help. Whether you know or not, whether you can feel it or not, God is working things out for your good. Situations get bad, but God is always good.
Right before my 26th birthday, the light broke through. It didn't just break in the one particular situation, but stuff I was dealing with for years broke. A flood of compassion filled my heart for the people that I had been so angry with. God's grace overflowed my heart and I couldn't help but extend it to those who had wronged me. While I knew forgiveness was the better option for years, it now became the only option. I let go of the pain I'd been carrying, and picked up the lighter load…forgiveness.
"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30
Soon, I could understand love in new way because God's allowed me to find his love through redemption. There was this list of things that had happened to me in my life that the enemy would rehearse in my mind as evidence that God didn't love me. While people are tempted to think that suffering is evidence that God doesn't love them, suffering is usually used to demonstrate the depths of God's heart. The greatest example of God's love is demonstrated through redemption, and there is no redemption without suffering.
I've experienced things this year that have literally tried to shake the very foundation of my faith. This year, I'd questioned the very nature of God, and at time, I thought that I'd found it wanting. I accused God of being the source of my pain. I wept as I pondered giving up on God, feeling that serving him was fruitless. In fact, I began to wonder if that's what He ultimately wanted me to do, after faithfully running the race so long to give up and not receive the promise. I listened as Satan told me that God wanted me to fail.
Now, as I look over the past year, I can say with certainty, "God is good." I can understand why the congregation of Israel just chanted "His mercy endures forever!" I am now convinced that my good God does not do bad things. He does work in the midst them because in his mercy, he does not waste a single moment or a single event. He does not waste our pain or our hurts, but rather He redeems the time. We can "count it all joy when we face various trials, knowing that the testing of our faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that we may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."
In a few hours, this year will be over. I had one request of the Lord for this year, and I prayed it one Friday afternoon in early February. I was envious of Paul because he was persuaded, regardless of what happened in this life or the life to come, there was nothing that could separate him from the love of God. And I begged God that day to let me be persuaded. God answered. It wasn't the way I wanted him to answer and I would have rather to be spared some tears. Yet, He answered and I am persuaded about his heart and persuaded about his love for me. Come hell or high water, broken heart or broken dream, in plenty or in lack, I am persuaded that there is nothing that can separate can separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
"When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God." Ephesians 3:14-19 NLT
Happy New Year,
Alicia
We Are Worthy
10 years ago
