2007 Reflection...It's been a good year

This afternoon, I received a text that said, "Remember: It's complete in 07 so let's get ready for new beginnings in 08." That really got me to thinking about the past year and the things that God has accomplished in it. All in all, it's been a good year and God has truly completed a work. So, here's the break down (Note: Don't e-mail or call me asking questions about details concerning things mentioned in this blog. I included the details I wanted you to know. I love you guys and thanks for loving me too.):

The beginning of February, I had a Friday off from work and I was clearly having a moment. I'm snot-nosed before the throne talking to Daddy. I'd been having these crying spells for a few weeks now and was sick of using my hormones as my excuse…go figure ladies. So, I'm reading the bible and came across a passage that I'd read hundreds of times before, but it stuck me in a new way.

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written: 'For Your sake we are killed all day long; We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.' Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Rom 8:35-39

After reading this passage, I realized that Paul knew something that I didn't. He was persuaded about God's love, and I wasn't. Not only did I doubt its depth, but sometimes I doubted its very existence. So, I asked the Lord to allow me to be persuaded.

After that warm and fuzzy prayer asking God to allow me to be persuaded about His love, you would expect warm and fuzzy experiences. Of course, that is not what I got. It's not to say that God didn't give me blessings and answer my prayers in noticeable ways, but the trials ahead would cause me to question the very nature of God. I remember lamenting the very existence of love. It seemed to me a curse rather than a blessing, and I wanted no part of it. It really was a crossroad because the very nature of God is love and it seemed to be a nature that I abhorred.

Life happened, events followed, and to say the least, I was devastated. I was angry at God, a few people, and of course, myself. I didn't want to be close to God anymore. I just wanted to be close enough as not to upset him, but far enough for him not to hurt me because I blamed him for everything that happened. We didn't talk much for a while. I told Him that I wouldn't do the blatant sins that are clearly against his word, but as for the other stuff, I wasn't doing anything extra. So, I came from underneath my vow.

Meanwhile, depression was kicking my butt and I literally couldn't get through a day at work without a few crying breaks. I revived an old addiction to help numb pain. It eased my mind for a moment, but I knew it wasn't a healthy way to deal with my emotions. Soon, I made a decision not to be a pissed off, bitter, 40 years old woman. Because at 25, I knew that if I held on to the hurt and pain, in fifteen years, that's what I'd be. As Donna Partow says, "One of the crowning acts of Satan is a bitter old woman. Hate and resentment are eating her up not because of her sin, but her sinful response to someone else's sin." That being said, I took my butt to counseling because I wasn't trying to be pissed off the rest of my life.

I must pause here a moment to say something of God's mercy and his goodness. In this time, I couldn't really pray, but God had so many people praying for me. People would walk up to me and say, "God woke me up a 4:30 this morning to pray for you. I don't know what you are going through, but He's gonna bring you out." Others would stop me to let me know they were praying. I'd tell God that I didn't feel like talking to him, and He would give me a dream to let me know that someone was praying for me. Months later, I found out people who I hadn't even talked to for a long time were praying me through. The Bible talks about bearing one another's burdens. God knows what we can bear, and what we need help with. He always sends help. Whether you know or not, whether you can feel it or not, God is working things out for your good. Situations get bad, but God is always good.

Right before my 26th birthday, the light broke through. It didn't just break in the one particular situation, but stuff I was dealing with for years broke. A flood of compassion filled my heart for the people that I had been so angry with. God's grace overflowed my heart and I couldn't help but extend it to those who had wronged me. While I knew forgiveness was the better option for years, it now became the only option. I let go of the pain I'd been carrying, and picked up the lighter load…forgiveness.

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

Soon, I could understand love in new way because God's allowed me to find his love through redemption. There was this list of things that had happened to me in my life that the enemy would rehearse in my mind as evidence that God didn't love me. While people are tempted to think that suffering is evidence that God doesn't love them, suffering is usually used to demonstrate the depths of God's heart. The greatest example of God's love is demonstrated through redemption, and there is no redemption without suffering.

I've experienced things this year that have literally tried to shake the very foundation of my faith. This year, I'd questioned the very nature of God, and at time, I thought that I'd found it wanting. I accused God of being the source of my pain. I wept as I pondered giving up on God, feeling that serving him was fruitless. In fact, I began to wonder if that's what He ultimately wanted me to do, after faithfully running the race so long to give up and not receive the promise. I listened as Satan told me that God wanted me to fail.

Now, as I look over the past year, I can say with certainty, "God is good." I can understand why the congregation of Israel just chanted "His mercy endures forever!" I am now convinced that my good God does not do bad things. He does work in the midst them because in his mercy, he does not waste a single moment or a single event. He does not waste our pain or our hurts, but rather He redeems the time. We can "count it all joy when we face various trials, knowing that the testing of our faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that we may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."

In a few hours, this year will be over. I had one request of the Lord for this year, and I prayed it one Friday afternoon in early February. I was envious of Paul because he was persuaded, regardless of what happened in this life or the life to come, there was nothing that could separate him from the love of God. And I begged God that day to let me be persuaded. God answered. It wasn't the way I wanted him to answer and I would have rather to be spared some tears. Yet, He answered and I am persuaded about his heart and persuaded about his love for me. Come hell or high water, broken heart or broken dream, in plenty or in lack, I am persuaded that there is nothing that can separate can separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

"When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God." Ephesians 3:14-19 NLT

Happy New Year,

Alicia

Avocado Story...there is a point.

Now some of you will think I'm crazy for telling this story, but just follow me. Those of you who read my blogs on the reg, already know the business.

A few weeks ago, I went to the grocery store and bought an avocado. It was green and I was hoping that it would be green for a while because I wasn't going to eat it right off. That thing was ripe in two days. It was nice and soft. Well, I didn't want it when it got ripe so I put it in the refrigerator. A few days went by, and I would just look at that avocado in the fridge. Then, I'd say a short prayer..."Jesus, bless my avocado and let it still be good when I decide to cut it." Okay, so I did this for like a week or two. I got the avocado like the Sunday before I went to Vegas. So this thing spent a good two weeks in my refrigerator after being ripe.

So finally, today, I took my avocado to work and cut it. It was so pretty; not a single brown spot! It was gorgeous. Just absolutely beautiful! Beautifully Ripe!!!

My point: God is concerned with the smallest details of our lives. We've all had produce go bad on us, and we almost expect it. It's not a big deal. So, why would God even care? It concerned Him, because it concerned me. This is the God who keeps the universe on course, He tells the ocean where to stop, and the sun when to shine. Yet, he has time to keep my avocado from going bad.

If he cares enough about the small things in our lives, how much more does he care about the big things? If he is listening to the arbitrary prayers (I'm not going to lose my faith over a piece of fruit gone bad.), how much more does he hear those prayers that are so dear our hearts?

Sometimes we feel like we are bothering God with our request, but he cares. "For the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him." God is looking for ways to show up in our lives. He seizes every opportunity...even the a moment as simple as keeping an avocado fresh.

Call it what you like (didn’t feel like coming up with a name.)

Today marks 10 years...my only consolation is knowing that God doesn't waste. He doesn't waste the moments in our lives...not the good ones, or the bad. We sometimes waste...we waste time, energy, emotions, and resources. However, in the midst of all our waste and bad choices, God is resourceful and works it all out for our good. That's hard to believe sometimes and even harder to walk out.

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living.

Wait on the LORD;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the LORD!

Ps 27:13-14

Beauty...I'm so sexy

Most of my life I've been a thick girl. I lost some weight a few years ago and I've put most of it back on. I think that I will head back to Weight Watchers at the beginning of the year because I need the discipline back in my life. All that being said, I feel SO FREAKING SEXY! I feel so confident in who I am right now. It's not to say that I don't have those moments when I'm displeased with my body, but in general, I'm pleased with myself.

There may be a few of you who are reading this thinking that all that confidence will lead or has already led to pride. But, I'm not writing this blog because of pride, but because of contentment. Sometimes we strive so hard for this sense of perfection in our lives. We are constantly trying to please people or fit into some mold. People think that if they just alter their appearance they will be happy and everything will go well. They will be more attractive or get more attention. But, there is something so beautiful and freeing about being comfortable in the skin that you are in.

I understand what it feels like to not know your own beauty and to think that you are ugly. I know all too well the journey of finding beauty in yourself especially when your big hips cannot fit into the box society has marked "beautiful."

Now, I have the joy of loving myself more than I ever have. It honestly goes far beyond my appearance because that is just a branch of this towering oak. It's the joy of contentment. It's the freedom you find in knowing your place in Christ. It's not having to live up to someone else's standard, but the courage to set your own. It's the power of letting go of past hurts, rejection, the need for approval, even some of my own expectations.

There is something to be said of having a mind change. People say that beauty is skin deep, but I would disagree. Beauty must be at your very core and it starts from the inside out. When beauty is at your very heart, it seeps out of your pores. When you change your mind, you change your outlook. Changing your outlook changes how you see yourself. How you see yourself determines the value you place on yourself. The value you place on yourself will be the value others place on you. Don't stop at having a beautiful body, but make sure you have a beautiful mind.

Remembering an old friend

Today marks the anniversary of the passing of a dear friend, Mark Kudnik. He was such a wonderful man of God. When he entered the room, you knew it. His grin was always from ear to ear, and there was always praises on his lips.

I'll always remember those days I spent in the hospital room with him, and learned at his bedside. In his last days, all he talked about was his daughter. He knew that he hadn't been the best dad and he regretted that, but he loved her so much and just longed for her to know that. Heaven only knows how much I needed that; I needed to know that just because a father wasn't there didn't mean that he didn't care. I needed to know that he loved his daughter to help me believe that my father loved me.

Those days in the hospital with Mark helped me to see a different side of the coin. We ususally live in our own paradigm and never try to see anything different. But, I'm glad that God gave me a moment to glimpse into the heart of a father. He also put in my heart a desire for true and lasting reconciliation.

Over the past year, a lot has change. I've grown in so many different ways. I've forgiven those who hurt me. I let go of past pain. I also threw out the script I was rehearsing called "The Drama of My Life." In fact, this Father's Day, I made a list, not of what he didn't do, but all that he did do. I took time to remember the good stuff that goes unnoticed because we are trippin about the bad. Truthfully, Mark was a big part of that. Those weeks going to the hospital every day served as a catalyst for something that was so wonderful...grace and forgiveness. Thank you so much, Mark. I love you and you are not forgotten.

"To live as Christ, and to die is gain."

Just an observation

These days interracial dating is at a all time high. For me, it's neither here nor there. People do what they want and I'm not trippin off of it at all. I just must share this observation that I have found. Maybe someone can help me understand this. I have noticed when I got out with my girls in a laid back setting where we are mingling whenever there is a black guy with a white girl he feels compelled to come over and talk to us. I'm not really talking about hey how ya doing. No, he feels the need talk us, act goofy to make us laugh, and do some kinda song and dance.

I'm a pretty friendly and outgoing person and this would be okay if he didn't leave his white girlfriend/date on the other side of the room. Or, if she is close by he doesn't mention her or introduce her. I'm not sure about what anyone else thinks, but that is rude.

Once my ex did something like that. He's off talking to my friends not sure how to say something to me, and this girl is just standing there looking waaaaay out of place. Me being Alicia, I start talking to her. Ummm...she's there so how about we acknowledge her. I start swiftly walking down the street and he's walking fast trying to keep up with me. She is in heels several paces behind us trying to keep up. Say it with me guys..."That's rude."

Another time, Marla and I went to Coco Cafe. There is this black guy with a white girlfriend who felt compelled to come talk to us. So he's laughing and joking with us; telling us his life story. Once again, his girlfriend is just standing there. So, Marla and I start talking to her and include her in the conversation. We kinda felt bad for her cuz her man was cocky as all get out. Then, he looks at us kinda funny and says, "I'm really surprised you guys are talking to her, most black women don't." Well, let's think about this...if you stick her in a corner and you don't acknowledge her presence, I can understand why other people around won't acknowledge her presence. If you interact with her like there's something wrong, then that is what other people are going to do. Don't blame that mess on black women, when you are acting like she's not there.

Once again, tonight the same thing happened. A black guy with a white girl is all in our faces at karaoke. Now when he was sitting with her, she was hugging on him. However, he kept coming to our table trying to make conversation with us, while she was off in the cut. He got up to sing a song, "Joanna, I love you." And he dedicates the song to us, not to his girl. When we get up to leave, he's gives us hugs and has yet to mention or introduce the girl who's been hugging on him. (We did help her learn the Cupid Shuffle though.) But, as for his behavior...say it with me..."That's rude."

This is just an observation I'm making. When I see a black man with a black woman, I guarantee you he is not at our table striking up a conversation or doing a song and dance without that woman at his side. In fact, she's doing most of the talking. When I see a white man with a black woman, I don't see him flirting at a table full of white females. Help me to understand what's really going on. I personally think it's rude for you not to acknowledge the presence of the person you are with regardless of their race.

Opinions

A wise person once told me..."Other people's opinion of you is none of your business." I've added my own addendum to it..."God's opinion is the only one that counts."

That is something that we all have to come to grips with and until we do, we are walking in bondage. There is such a freedom that comes in not being a slave to other people's opinion. We all want to please the people we care about or love. Sometimes, we try to please people to make them love or care about us. It's pretty innate with in us to want the approval of others, but eventually we must learn that we can't rule our lives by it. It's really hit or miss, and if that's what we are going by, we will be on a roller coaster for the rest of our lives. Interesting thing about roller coasters is that they go 65 mph, up and down hills, through hoops, around twist and turns and in the end, you are back where you started from. Only now, you have a headache. That's exactly what happens when we try to live our lives pleasing other people.

This weekend I had a conversation with someone I love, someone I know loves me too. A few months back the person told me in so many words that I was a big disappointment to them. No one wants to be told that, it can be hurtful and sometimes cause bitterness or resentment. It's tempting to stay there. However, I decided to do two things.

The first thing I decided to do was take inventory. You know what I found; I'm not living a disappointing life. There are times when people speak curses in our lives, but we make the choice whether or not we receive them. Just because someone speaks it doesn't make it the truth. The infamous they has so many things to say, but that doesn't make it true. They talk about you, they talk about me, they talk about us, and they talk about them. They never stop talking; so we just have to stop listening. So let God be true and every man a liar. They may not be pleased, but what does God think? They may never forgive you, but God already has. You may not be doing that they want you to do, but are you doing what God called you to? Despite the opinions of others, a quick inventory revealed that while they found reason for disappointment, I found none. In fact, I'm pretty pleased because this branch is remaining in the Vine and is bearing much fruit.

I'd done inventory months ago, when the statement was first made, but I finally got around to doing the second thing...confrontation. Too many of us are holding on to past hurts and past offenses. Jesus told us that if we had a problem with someone to go to them and settle the score, then bring your offering. People are sick, stressed, and depressed because they won't settle the score. Carrying hurts, pains, unforgiveness, offenses, and whatever else does not make you a martyr. Telling everybody about everything that they did is probably not going to get you a book deal, or make you the screenwriter for the next major motion picture. But if you are looking for tumors, backaches, anxiety, clinical depression, heartburn, migraines, and/or a plethora of other sicknesses and diseases your anger, bitterness, and resentment over what they have done will definitely aid you.

At any rate, back to my story...confrontation. By confrontation I do not mean a shouting match or the blame game. This weekend, it was just a conversation and I brought up the whole disappointment thing. I told them that I had thought about what they had said and came to the conclusion that I wasn't living a disappointing life. Funny thing is that didn't stop them from being disappointed, but we both walked away with the understanding that their disappointment is not my burden to bear. Their opinion of me is none of my business.

Creative Juices Flowing

Okay so I wrote this as a comment on Art & Soul's blog, but decided to share...

Art & Soul Poetry Excercise 1: An Etheree
10 lines, with a syllable count going from 1 to 10 (or 10 to 1), decreasing (or increasing) each line.

Subject: Sex, Time & Water

Hmmm
Feels good
Time passing
Hope love's lasting
I envelop you
You keep holding me close
I never want to let go
So we seal "I do" with a kiss
I now forget what I thought I missed
Time wasn't wasted, love is worth the wait

Well, that is mine...so why don't you leave a comment with one that you did. This is fun, right? Participation is required.

He does all things well

Tonight I had to work pretty late and I was on my way home listening to a gospel song. I don't really remember the whole song, but somewhere within the song, it said, "He does all things well." It made me think about how often we complain about the things that go on in this life. We have people who disappoint us, situations that upset us, and circumstances that baffle us. And yet, our God does all things well. That is not really something I can say for anyone.

Think about it. You know that the hair stylist that you love has messed someone's hair up before. Your auto mechanic has side stepped on a job before. Even the best lawyer has had moments that weren't that great in court. Great surgeons have watched their patients die. That person who you respect or look up to will eventually let you down. We are all human and fail. But, we serve a God who does all things well.

The things that we screw up He can fix. The situations in life that have turned out bad, He can work out for your good. The sickness the doctors have yet to even diagnosis, He can heal. The heart that seems to constantly be broken, He will heal and bandage up the wounds.

I know that there are times that I question God because things haven't turned out the way I wanted or expected. We all have our moments were we complain when we are in a bind. Sometimes we need to be reminded that God is good, and when our lives seem a bit screwed up, it's not because God did it. He's the author and perfector of our faith. He is the one who fixes the mess not causes it. God does not have Muchausen Syndrome. He is good, and does all things well.

Courtroom Drama

Columbus, OH (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Franklin
County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over
who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by
his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in
keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family
unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy
cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder
of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was
apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented
step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the University
of Michigan Wolverines, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of
beating anyone.

LOL omg you gotta be a Buckeye to get that..lol that was funny

What a weekend!

So my weekend started off with a bit of a tear fest. I was bemoaning my current lot in life because it's not really what I had planned. Dude, who scripts this stuff out because I really had no idea? So it's Friday night and I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to skip out unnoticed to pastor's new sermon series on family. I don't want to hear how the husband I don't have can be better, how to raise the children I don't have, or how to be a better wife to the husband I don't have. I also did not want to hear someone married out of high school to tell me to hold on just a little while longer when they are getting some on a reg. I didn't want to hear flee youthful lust...I did that. Now, I'm grown; it has nothing to do with being youthful. Heck, I'm supposed to be making babies. I'm not praying that God does something to my hormones; I'm 26 and work properly. I'm supposed to have a sex drive. While I live a celibate life, I know it is not my calling. It is better to marry than to burn; so, can someone tell me where the hell is my husband?

Yeah, so while I'm having this moment, I'm sitting in bed and this book just pops out at me from the book shelf. I didn't know what book it was just that it was calling. So, I walk over to the bookshelf and pick up the book "Table for One: The Savvy Girl's Guide to Singleness." Okay, can you say "God has jokes."? Dude, I didn't even buy that book for me. I got it at a going out of business sale and someone said they might want it for their daughter, but didn't take it. So at any rate, I start reading the book. And it says everything that I think. Basically, being a single Christian sucks because: A. You aren't getting any (well you aint supposed to be getting any...lol) and B. If you aren't married or have children, you don't exist. Ok, so God gives me a book to confirm my life sucks, go figure. I'm sitting there thinking Jesus, this is not making me feel any better.

Chapter Two: Antidotes for the Single Girl Blues. Hmmm, this should be interesting. So this chapter talks about celebrating your singleness. Now this is one thing I do have on married women, freedom. If my bank account allows it, I can do it. I don't have to worry about anyone but Alicia. If I feel like eating a bowl of cereal for dinner, I don't have to worry about what my husband or children will eat. If I want to go out with the girls, I get dressed and go. If I feel like taking a spontaneous trip out of town, I just do it. I'm only responsible for me. That chapter made me feel a little better. However, it did say something disturbing single women are reportedly happier than married women. Heck, that doesn't sound to hopeful. And it said married men are happier than single men. Why, you ask...they get a live in maid, cook, and sex on the reg. What more can a man ask for? Yeah, it's a man's world, and I'm forced to live in it. (For those who don't know me well, or aren't used to this side of Alicia...laugh. This is pretty comical. For those of you who do know me, do not stop reading at this point and call me. i.e. "Alicia, are you okay? I read your blog." You laugh too.)

So, that was Friday night. Saturday, I go to SideWalk with my church. It was so wonderful. I mean I could just feel the presence of God. We went into this one man's home, there were people gathered, and he was laying in one of those hospital beds. We brought in a bag of grocieres, and then I asked if we could pray. I started praying, but when I finished, I could tell the Spirit wasn't through. Then Alfred says, "I don't think we are done. Can I pray, too?" He prayed and the presence of the Lord was just there. When we finished, one of the men in the house said, "I was sitting here wanting to pray, but I was waiting got the right moment then you came to the door." It was a divine appointment. Then off to Mr. Brown's house. Of course, he was waiting for us to get there. If fact, he told other people not to come cuz he knew we would be there. So we stayed at his house for a while, always jokes, always wisdom, and always moving. I love Mr. Brown.

While setting up, Pastor David sees a Muslim African woman with her children. He calls me over and says, "Alicia, I know it's not customary for a man to talk to her. Would you go over there and minister to her." So, I walk over to her and inquire where he's from...Kenya. Perfect, a good friend of our family is from Kenya. We had a big party full of Kenyans at our house. So, I talked to her about food and Mama Jane who's from Nairobi. She didn't know too much English but her oldest daughter (around 11 or 12) translated. I didn't mention Jesus, only if her children would be coming to sidewalk. The eldest girl said that her father told them not to go, because it bad and evil. Her mom then tells them in Swahili they could go. The children were happy and participated in SideWalk as their mother sat on the steps watching. And at the end of the service, those Muslim children prayed the sinner's prayer and asked Jesus into their hearts. Yes, I have my moments, but I'm bearing fruit. (Sidebar: This isn't for everyone, but for those of you who question what track I'm on, examine my fruit. That's all I'm going to say about that.)

After sidewalk, I get a quick reality check to remind me how single I am, which I thought was a bad thing. However, it ended up being the precursor for a spontaneous trip to Atlanta with my girl. Married women can't always do that...remember the book. Yeah, we didn't get to Atlanta til 2 am, but believe me it was worth it. We had soooooo much fun. We just happened to go to Atlanta when they were having a nice jazz festival that we didn't know about. We walked to the stage right when Chrisette Michelle was about to get on. Who know her music was so freakin hot? We got a pic with PJ Morton. Then, the drummer for Chrisette Michelle invited us out to their next set (reminiscent of track 1 or 2). I had such a wonderful time. I honestly didn't know how wonderful singleness could be. Dude, I had a ball. Party Like a Rock Star!!! No wonder married women miss this part of life. So, I guess God wasn't just being funny when he told me to pick up the book. At any rate, from the tear fest to the jazz fest, Labor Day weekend was hotness. We so have to do this again...SOON!!!

Mark and the car

Sometimes God blesses you with wonderful people in your life. They aren't perfect, but you enjoy their presence most of the time. They have that knack for illuminating those parts of your personality that others don't often get a chance to see. I am a very peaceful person. When I deal with people, I try to use tact and discretion. However, around some people, that just goes out the window. That is Mark and me. I don't yell too much (you know, I'm trying that whole meek and quiet spirit thing out), but I can go off on Mark for a good 30 to 45 minutes. He's a wee bit obstinate, can be a tad argumentative, and happens to bring those character traits out in me. But, he is such a good guy.

Last week, I asked Mark to help me find a new car. That was like whoa. He was on my nerves. I told him what kinda of car I wanted, what year I wanted, and what price I wanted. Now if I tell you that I want a Toyota, Honda, or a Nissan that was manufactured in this millennium, why on God's green earth would you try to get me to buy a darn '95 Caviler, or a '98 Ford Taurus with 220,000 miles on it. If you think it's pretty, buy it yourself. He's test driving a '95 Grand Prix and I'm looking at the sales lady like what the heck is he doing, cuz I'm not buying that car. Hello!?!?!? We are shopping for me, and I don't want it.

Then he's calling me at 8 at night talking about "Man, Alicia, you gotta see this car." Dude, I live in Antioch, and when I leave my job in north Nashville, ya girl is not going back to Madison to look at some car 2 yrs older than I want. "See, Alicia, these cars are going to be gone. If you see something, you gotta get it right then. That's how it works. That car is going to be gone tomorrow." Heck, if the car is gone then clearly the car wasn't for me.

You know I've had a cell phone for years, and I have never ran out of message space. Especially when your messages can only be a certain length. That brotha had so many dog on messages on my phone, I just stopped checking my voicemail cuz he was on my nerves. Dude tried to hustle me more than the car dealer, "you should get this car" or "you aint gonna get no better than that car...this is it."

Now, I know I was on his nerves. He is headstrong, but I'm probably worst. Dude, I just want what I want, and you can't fault me for that. He's trying to rush me into getting a car, and I won't be rushed. Then he'll show me a car I don't want and won't take a simple no. In fact, the only thing he responsds to is a temper tantrum. So heck, I throw a temper tantrum. He's ready to drive Miss Daisy from one car lot to the next, and all I want to do is eat lunch in peace. One day, he tells me "well fine, Alicia, I'm just gonna let you find your own car." I said "fine," hung up the phone, and continued eating my salad. Five minutes later, Mark is on the phone telling me he's going to drive the car to me so I can see it. He was on my nerves (and heaven knows I was on his), but he was determined to take care of baby girl. I can't help but smile.

Truth is Mark has his moments but he's all in all a good guy. People did give me a better prices since I had a mechanic negotiating for me. He was able to look at the cars and see what was wrong and know how much it would cost to fix. That man hustled and went to more car lots than I would have ever wanted to...all that stuff gives me a headache. Well, truth is he took the brunt of it. All I had to do is say yes, no, ummmm, and turn down 5 of his marriage proposals...lol. Naaa...dude, I love Mark. He's wonderful. And he found me a new to me car, the kind I wanted, the year I wanted, and the price I wanted. He did try to hustle me though, and claimed that I played the player. Don't believe the hype...lol. I am pleased and I have no car payments....Hallelujah!!!

Thanks Mark!!!

Something about waiting

I was sitting in my first apartment wondering what direction my life was going to take. The months to follow my college graduation were not turning out the way I expected. I walked across the stage proud of the fact that I finished two degrees in four years and graduated magna cum laude. But sitting in that apartment, with $10 to my name, no job, and facing eviction, I couldn't help but question God's leading. I thought I'd heard him and that I was going in the right direction, but I'd looked for job after job to no avail. Now, I was fasting and praying looking for answers. A friend called. She said that she'd been praying for me, and while in prayer the Lord said to her, "Don't worry about Alicia. I'm taking care of her." At that moment, I couldn't see his hand. But, as you can imagine, He proved faithful and took care of me.

Years have now passed. I have a nice quaint life. It's peaceful, and I'm provided for. I have need of nothing, but there sure are some things that I want. This past week, I was walking the floor at work and a gentleman stop me. He said, "Alicia I was praying for you. I know you are getting your M. div and I think that's wonderful. But so many of our sisters go and get their M. Div and there's just nothing for them when they get out. I don't want to see that happen to you so I was praying for you. And you know what the Lord said? He said, 'Don't worry about Alicia. I'm taking care of her.'" When I heard it, I immediately remembered that they were the same words spoken to me years ago, but I guess I didn't know how much I needed to hear those words again.

This weekend sitting in church, the pastor was teaching on types of prayer that transform our lives and the world around us. He got on persevering prayer and it struck me. Then I heard the Holy Spirit say "who will stir himself up to take hold of God?" Honestly, I didn't know exactly how to take it. Okay, God if you want me to take hold of you, I will. It's my heart to serve Him. But, that's what I've been doing. I've prayed, cried, fasted, and waited, while years continue to pass as the promises go unfulfilled. Yet, God ask me to stir myself up to take hold of him. It's funny, as pastor was talking about persevering prayer he said it was like fastening yourself to someone. I think of a little kid grabbing hold of the leg of their father as he walks around dragging that child along for the ride.

I used to like getting a "word" or prophecy, but now the only confirmation I want is for God to do it. I guess I'm like that child in the backseat of the car asking, "Are we there yet?" My legs are cramped and the scenery on the highway does not seem to be changing much. In fact when I look around me it seems that not much has changed and I can't tell that I'm any closer to the promise than before. However, when I stop just looking at the circumstances and the common scenery and start looking at the mile markers, I see how far we've come. Ever notice on a road trip how mile 2 and mile 200 both look the same. However, at mile 200, you are almost there if you just hold tight. We need not worry, because Daddy really is taking care of us.

Gal 6:9: And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.

Ps 27:13-14: I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

On Love...

This is a quote that I just had to share. Enjoy.

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

- Captain Corelli's Mandolin

Help for the journey

When we are going through drama in our lives, our association is so vital to the outcome and how we will process things. There is such a wide variety of people, and it's good to spend time with them all in the journey. But, not everyone can see the journey through.




Crunk friends—These are your girls who will cut a brotha and help you hide the body. You love them because they are so ready to fight for you. I've found that you usually have to calm them down when it's all said and done. It's good to know that they are willing to do some time avenging you, but you have to keep on moving. They will have you slitting tires, smashing in windows, and stalking someone. When the rush is gone, the situation hasn't changed and you'll have to call someone to bail you out of jail.




Crying friend—This is the one you can get on the phone with and cry and talk about how much men suck. You guys can share a half gallon of cookies and cream, and it doesn't have to be a pity party for one. After you have vented and are just ready to sulk, this is the friend you can do it with. She can feel all your pain, and remembers her horror stories with her exes. You can have this for one night because when you wake up with a set of Louis Vutton luggage under your eyes from crying so much, and have to go to work, you will reconsider how long this goes on. This person helps validate your hurt, but if you aren't careful you will stay here and just nurse your hurts.




Get-a-grip friend—This is the friend who doesn't want to cut him, but is ready to smack the hell out of you. She really just wants you to see your own worth. Your relationship ended not your life. If it feels like your life is ending, it's because you made someone your life and gave them everything; only God deserves that place. As far as she is concerned, this is your life, and you have two options. You can pine away, passively watching life pass you by, or you can move on. This friend awakens you from your stooper and helps you to realize you are going about this entire thing wrong. She reminds you that blaming other's for the disparity in your life is not going to help. It's your life, and you and Jesus rule its destiny. You don't have to worry about getting stuck here because this friend is not going to bare your load…it's you and Jesus.




Midwife—This person who maybe considered a friend, but more than that, a mother. She's not going to get crunk with you. In fact, when you were going off and cussing folk out, she was praying for your hot head. You come to her when you want to sulk, but all she is talking about is love and forgiveness. You aren't ready to receive that word, yet. So, she prays. Knowing that she can't bare your burden, she keeps you lifted in prayer to the one who can. And when you were walking around pissed at the world, she gives you an encouraging word, or lets you know that she's praying. She knows that you need to get a grip, but it's not going to happen over night. She's willing to go with you through the process. Sometimes she's watching from a distance, but her prayers are always close. When you are so angry that you can't pray, God sends a midwife to remind you how to pray. She knows the pain of giving birth so she doesn't dismiss yours, but always challenges you to move beyond the pain. Midwifes have tasted the fruit of love and forgiveness and long for you to partake. Her words remind you, that God is perfecting your love walk, when you've stopped believing love is even real. She's that woman of faith shouting on the sidelines, "HOLD ON!", when you are ready to give up. Since she believes so hard, it gives you a reason to believe too. Eventually, you'll see how far you've come and be committed to seeing the process through.




Finally, you've made it out on the other side. Go visit your crunk friends in jail. Take your crying friend some ice cream to cheer her up. Your get-a-grip friend will be glad to see that you didn't lose it. Seeing you happy again, walking in peace, love and forgiveness, and knowing her prayers were not in vain is often the greatest reward for the midwife. Now, go do a victory lap and praise God you made it.

This is for my girls...you know who you are

I love my friends. And I must say, my girls are so funny to me. A few of you have called me. The conversation starts, "Hey, Alicia. How ya doing? Is everything alright? I read your blog." Lol...ya girl is good. I know that you love me enough to grab the vaseline, take your earrings out, and pull your hair back. Just to let you all know...Jesus already got me covered. Ain't nothing going on. The last couple blogs have been a response, but not a bad response. Alicia is being Alicia, in Alicia fashion...naaa...on the real, God is just helpin babygyrl make peace. Christian women shouldn't be in strife, competition, or envy.

Prov 16:7

When a man's ways are pleasing to the LORD,
he makes even his enemies live at peace with him.



I love you all. :)

This is a sidebar

Just for the record...it is not psycho to read something that makes reference to you. It's not psycho to read something that the author wrote with you in mind. It is not psycho to read something the author wanted you to read. And if you are reading this...you are catching my drift. I'm not crazy, and I don't think you're crazy. However, a man has been known to drive a woman insane. I think we can all agree on that.

Yes, the headline was for you

I really debated with whether or not to write this blog or if I should send a message. I'm blogging because I believe in playing by my own rules, and I believe this might help someone. For the record, yes the headline is for you, and I promise you, we have no beef. All I've done was bless and pray for you. (Now, I cussed someone else out...lol. That's why grace is a gift, not of works, lest any man should boast.)

I read something today that hurt my heart. I was hurt for the person who wrote it, and hurt for the one it was about. It was probably true, and I have no reason to doubt it. But, love covers a multitude of sins. I say this after many tears, a few months of counseling, and lots of praying. It is not easy to walk out, in fact it's a very very bitter cup. But for those who will live godly, we will drink it. Please believe, this is not a self-righteous dissortation, and my previous blogs will tell you that. But, this is truth.

God put it on my heart to write a book on love. And there have been many nights that I argued that I can't write a book on something I don't believe in. In my mind, the only thing that love did was cause me pain. God and I had come to a crossroads, the Bible teaches that God is the very essence of love. For a moment, I seemed to hate the very essence of who He was because it hurt so bad. Clearly, Jesus and I didn't talk much during the month of May. I wanted to be close enough to Him that I didn't piss him off, but far enough that He didn't hurt me anymore.

It's a hard thing when God gives you a bitter cup to drink. I'm telling God how much I loved, and He's telling me that what I'm doing isn't love at all. One day, I was reading a devotional book in which you pray the scriptures. I was doing good praying the scriptures until I found that one of the passages for the day was 1 Cor 13. I threw the book down and said, "I ain't praying that." (Oh for the grace of God, cuz babygyrl can be a hot headed mess.) Holy Ghost is funny, he put a song in my head by Ginny Owens. The part of the song I started singing was the very verses that I refused to pray. (God has jokes!)

"Songs will fade to silence,
Stories will cease,
The dust will settle covering these selfless deeds.
But Your life here has made it clear enough for me to see
That if I do not love, I am nothing."

Imagine that...I'm telling God all I've done and He's telling me it's nothing...

"Love is patient (clearly, ten years must be long enough!), love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

"It is not rude (so God thought that me cussing someone out was a bit problematic), it is not self-seeking (Well, who was going to look out for me cuz, somebody wasn't), it is not easily angered (don't repeat offenders piss you off?!?!), it keeps no record of wrongs (ummm...but God, I'm right. What they did really hurt me. I'll forgive but won't forget...all the pain they caused and how they owe me).

"Love does not delight in evil (So me jammin to the song...Somebody's gonna do to you what you been doing and I hope that I'm around to watch them knock you down...that's not cool either!?!?) but rejoices with the truth (Dude, I'm tellin you the truth...they did me wrong).

"It always protects (protects the name of the person who didn't protect your heart), always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

"Love never fails (even when people have failed you).

When you've been hurt that's a hard pill to swallow, and when you haven't learned to give yourself that kinda loving, it's impossible to swallow. We can't give what we've yet to receive. You know it took me a long time to forgive. I was trying, but loving despite all reasons to hate is hard when I was doubting God's love for me.

One of the crowning acts of Satan is a bitter old woman. Hate and resentment are eating her up not because of her sin, but her sinful response to someone else's sin. Life is too precious, I'm too beautiful, and you're too beautiful for that.

Time does not heal all wounds, it takes time and effort. I guess that's why I'm writing this. It doesn't go away unless you want it to go away and are willing to go through the process. It's not always easy. If I knew how good forgiveness felt, it wouldn't have taken me so long to do.

I'm Learning

I'm learning

I'm not as good as I thought

And people aren't as bad as I imagined

We usually judge ourselves on our intentions

But other's on their actions

But when I look at your sins

And the truth of my heart

The only difference is opportunity

The same grace I preach about

Has to reach into depths of my own soul

I don't know if I've just been holding out

Not wanting it to reach certain places

Or, if I'm just realizing the need

But I'm learning there is still some blackness

That I need grace to wash away

If I can be delivered from the past haunting me

There's no reason the demons in your life can't be defeated

If I can be forgiven

There's no reason I can't extend it

I'm not as good as I thought

And you're not as bad as I imagined

Our only difference has been opportunity

Happy Father's Day...Here's to Redemption

We all hear stories about dads not being there. Single moms and dead beat dads are all too common these days. Everyone has a sob story; I've got one too. But, I decided to lay it down in order to have redemption. The peace of restoration is a much lighter load than the resentment of unforgiveness.

This Father's Day I decided to take a trip down memory lane. But I chose the path often neglected; the path of what he did right. I remember daddy combing my hair, and allowing me to hike the football at 4 years old. He told me that hiking the ball under my dress was unladylike so I just turned around and handed it to him. We waited what seemed like hours for him to fix that breakfast of pumpkin pancakes. I remember having picnics in the park eating bologna sandwiches, and late nights playing monopoly. There were those Sabbath afternoons on Lake Erie as we sat on that rocky cliff watching the sunset. We took a boat ride and I got stung by a bee. I think that was the same time I took a swig of his pop and he was left fishing my gum out of his bottle. When I was eight, he told me the truth about the divorce; always man enough to admit when he was wrong.

I learned about redemption by watching my father's life. No matter how far you fall there's still hope. It doesn't matter how deep that pit may be, God is still able to pull you out of it. As a child, I saw him lose everything. But now, I'm seeing it restored. I believe in redemption.

I told my father that regardless of what was or wasn't done to live a life free of guilt and regret. I told him to walk having a clear conscience and not to let anyone try to keep him in the bondage of shame. Truthfully, I don't care about being right or getting some sort of justice for the things suffered. I only care about restoration.

We are adults a lot longer than we are children. No one can change yesterday or the mistakes that were made, but we can change tomorrow by choosing not to repeat them. We can forgive and let go of anger, bitterness, resentment, and hurts. Then, we are free to grab hold of redemption.

For those of you who grew up with your fathers in your life, praise God for them. If your father wasn't in your life, as long as you both are living, there is time for reconciliation. I promise you, forgiveness is the lighter load.

Ultimatums

Ultimatums


So, it didn't turn out the way I expected

If I knew then what I know now

I would do it all over again

If I felt then what I feel now

I would have done it sooner

Because the only hand that I force was my own

I learned that I'm strong enough to let go

And I'm worth the best anyone has to offer

I'd rather cry over the truth

Than smile believing a lie

Making peace with the truth

Beats the bliss of ignorance

Any day of the week

If I hadn't done it, I be pissed

Still holding on and being strung along

I gave myself an ultimatum that forced me to let go

Letting go afforded me the freedom of forgiveness

I've finally got peace free of anger

Holding on meant my heart was constantly being broken

Letting go finally gave it time to heal

I stopped blaming myself for things I couldn't control

For decisions left in someone else's hands

I found out that everything that affects me

Isn't actually about me

Sometimes we are just caught in the crossfire

I no longer care if they know what it did to me

Or if they know how it made me feel

My life is not the dress rehearsal

For the next major motion picture

So I threw out the script

Constantly playing my head

I can finally wish you grace and forgiveness

Daily, I pray you have the freedom of a clear conscience

If I knew then what I know now

I would do it all over again

If I felt then what I feel now

I would have done it sooner

5:30 AM...Help LORD!!!

I guess maybe a month or so ago I got new neighbors to move in below me. I welcomed them by calling security the first day they moved in...lol. Dude, I was trying to sleep and he was on the patio banging in nails and talking loud. It was the next day or so when I actually met them in person. I said "Hi, I'm Alicia. I live above you." We small talked for a bit to one, then the other told me to let them know if they ever get too loud instead of calling security...lol.

At any rate...there are a few lifestyle differences between me and my friends and my neighbors and their friends. Staying up all hours of the night (morning), being drunk (every night), bumpin loud music, and talking loud on the patio are all things that I don't do on a regular, if ever. As I said, there are lifestyle differences, clearly. Did I mention the smoke?

Despite the few differences, they are pretty cool. We have our very own version of American Pie (that is what they act like). So we find it pretty entertaining at times. There have been times that it was late and we can here them and I'll say to Marla..."you want me to tell them to shut-up?" To which she replies, "Naw, girl they are funny." We just turn off the TV and listen to the neighbors...lol.

Well this morning around 5:30 am, I was awaken by my neighbor relaying the story of how he was robbed to his mom. I was sleep in my bed, Marla was in the other room in and out as we are listening to his rant. Then he said..."yeah that n*gger robbed me." You know that wasn't going to fly with your girl. Immediately, I get up and before I could get to the other room. Marla is at my door about to go off. Being the peaceful person that I am, I said I would go talk to him.

So I go on the patio and call him to the banister and tell him in a nice cool calm and collected tone how inappropriate that word is. Marla was next to me and we are being nice. And this blonde hair, blues boy decides that he wants to school me on the usage of "n*gger, n*gga, and black people." Exuse me?!?! There was no...I'm sorry I shouldn't have said it, but he wanted to tell me why what he was saying was okay. Marla was livid and I just had to go inside and pray in tongues cuz I didn't have anything else to say.

Next thing we hear is him say...Yeah my neighbors didn't like what I said and they came out here, but you see they went back in cuz they don't have anything to say to me. Why did he say that? Marla is back on the patio telling him off at the top of her lungs. She told him if he didn't live like that, getting drunk every night and clubbing all the time he wouldn't have gotten robbed, but that's they life he lives. She's going off and I go outside only to shut her up and to get her back inside. She gets in the house yelling...and I'm still praying. If people want to act like they live in a trailer park let them, but we don't do that.

Few minutes later...there's a knock on the door. She tells me not to answer, but I open it anyway. He came to apologize. He said that he knows that he shouldn't have said "n*gger" and while his other black friends feel it's okay for him to say "n*gga" he knows that we don't like it. Then he apologized for being loud and having his friends over every night getting drunk because he knows we don't live like that. We actually did feel bad for him that he got robbed and he had a black eye.

Of course I had to take a moment to school him on history. Don't let the swing dancing and country music fool ya, baby girl is a freedom fighter. No matter how far we come, we honor the struggle and those who have gone before us. Honor the blood that was spilled. I told him to learn about "strange fruit" before he lets that word come out of his mouth.

But after the history plug, I had a moment to get down to the heart of matter. Pass the racist comments and noisy neighbors, I had an opening. I looked him in his eyes and I said..."Your life is empty." It's one thing to tell about strange fruit on southern trees, but even better to mention the Savior hanging on the tree. So I continued, "all the stuff you are doing doesn't satisfy you...your life is empty." He said, "Man it's like you know me. You don't do all this stuff, what is it that you do?"

I looked at him and said, "I got Jesus. You are looking for pleasure to fill a void because you have no joy. We all have a God shaped hole and the drinking, partying, smoking, and females won't fill it." That guy had no idea he had a preacha living above him. To say the least, he said he wanted to change and asked if he could start going to church with me.

There are times where I wonder to myself as to why I don't live like others do. Recently, I was told that I was "weird" because of it. But days like today, remind me what all this is really about. I'm reminded why I shouldn't cuss my neighbors out even when it seems that they deserve it, why I live my little quiet peaceful life. Sometimes I think it's boring and lacking a little fun. But it's full of joy and flicker of light in a dark world.

"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven." Matt 5:16

My first...

trip to the shrink...yeah how wild is that. I guess there is this stigma that goes along with it. You really don't want to go. But I guess last weekend I decided that I was not going to let people and the decisions that they made drive your girl crazy. Not only that, I'm not going to bury my feelings and all that jazz. Life happens, and then you have to pick up the peices. So that's what I decided to do.

You know it was funny because I get there early and I had to wait for my counselor to get out of his other session. Well, when he was finished, he comes out with this guy who just looked like he needed to be there. Now, while I know it is not nice...I was sitting there thinking, Oh, Lord, why am I in this place. He looks crazy. I don't want to be in here with people like that."

Dude really did look like he had issues. I think I've done a pretty good job of keeping my stuff under wraps. I don't walk around with a victim complex. I'm not really looking for people's sympathy. But, let's be honest. My sh*t stink too(excuse the expression). Just because I don't walk around looking like a hot mess doesn't mean that there's not a hot mess that needs to be dealt with.

I guess it is what it is. You get to a place where you finally decide to deal with the stuff that needs to be dealt with. You look yourself in the mirror, and you even face the demons in your own closet. It kinda reminds me of that Rascal Flatts song I'm Moving On...

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived that I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

Love is...

Love is me calling to wish you happy birthday

even though you missed most of mine.

Love is sneaking grandmama cakes and cookies

while she's waiting for dinner to get done.

You think it's the butterfies in your tummy

when you're digging the new guy

But it's really the tears running down your face

And ache in your heart

when you finally decide to let go

Love are the kisses on my cheeks

from that baby girl who looks like me

Love is the bottle of water at my doorstep

Cuz I'm too spoiled to drink from the tap

Love is me clipping your toenails

When heaven knows I hate to touch feet.

Love is vegan macaroni and cheese

Waiting for me when I decide to drive home.

Love is my brother calling in the middle of the week

He doesn't want a thing but to check on me

Love is dinner with old friends

And reminicing on old times we used to share

Love is dropping it like it's hot for old times sake

And that crazy video ending up on myspace

Love is that silly song I sing you everyday at work

Just because I love to see you smile

Love is that collection of little moments

that ususally make you laugh or cry; smile or sigh

It's the stuff that makes life worth living

And the numbness worth feeling.

I prayed and God answered...

You know, I've prayed and fasted about a certain matter for a long time. Recently, I had to make a decision and as much as I thought God would change the situation and the other party involved...the truth is God once again had to deal with me.

I had to ask myself, do I really believe that God wants the best for me. I think that I have lived with the fear, that if I didn't get this one thing, that God wouldn't give me anything else. I'm thinking that God just may not give me anything better. Heaven only knows how angry that has made me feel. Not to mention what it made me believe about myself. I began to think that maybe, that was all I was worth. You know when the enemy has convinced you that this is what God thinks about you, than you end up thinking that about yourself. It has honestly been bondage. It's enough to make you go crazy...literally. Then you realize that God is not pleased. You realize, that God values you and there is somethings that He doesn't want for you.

I guess I prayed thinking that God was just going to change things overnight, but what happened is he finally allowed me to see the truth. I can't change people and I can't make them want to change. I can't make someone love me, but I can chose to love myself. I can't make someone respect me, but I can choose not to keep those who disrespect me in my life. I prayed and God answered, by giving me the strength to let go. With that strength, I also make a choice to love again, to forgive, and to walk in peace. I've got to rest knowing that God has the best for me and I don't have to settle for anything less.

Life Lessons...

This weekend was one of the most stressful and draining weekends ever. I had a huge project due that was worth 100% of my grade. Then there was drama in my personal life that seemed to eclipse the project. However, I must say, timing is everything. I'm in seminary and my project for my Hebrew Exegesis class was to translate and write a commentary on the book of Ruth

Whenever we take time to intensely study the word of God, we are compelled to apply it to our lives. And I came to the realization that I'd been living beneath God's best. In fact, as I looked at the story of Ruth and Boaz. I was getting the exact opposite. There comes a time in every woman's life where she must see who she is in Christ, and realize her own worth. It's impossible to value yourself and allow someone to devalue you.

So here's one lesson on Ruth (more to come, hopefully)...

Boaz exceeded Ruth's expectations. That was before they were married. Ruth desired favor to gather grain in Boaz's field, but what he gave her was more than she could imagine. He first ensured her protection. While the law made provision for foreigners to glean the fields, not every owner wanted the city's poorest citizens gleaning. So it is not improbable that they were sometimes attacked and forced to leave. But, in his fields, there was security; he instructed his servants that no one was to hurt her or even touch her. It's time out for those relationships that are constantly breaking our hearts. In God's plan, there is a place of protection. That includes a man protecting your heart.

A rant!

Okay, this is a rant. I am a grown woman. I make grown decisions. And I have a right to do so. I'm about sick of people trying to force their will on me or on other grown people. Recently, a situation came up. Now, this thing had been brewing for a while and I have had my passive moments. However, even in those moments, the pot is simmering and I know that I'm going to have to say something. Usually, when I don't say anything, I just get fed up and go Katie Kaboom. But, I'm trying to stay away from that.

So a certain gentleman likes touching me. He wants to touch my back, brush me as he passes, calls me over, get in my personal space, and makes passes that I ain't trying to catch. I've been a bit uncomfortable for a while, but just passive. I don't care for it, but don't want to hurt his feelings and all that stuff. Okay, that nice stuff is a crock. You can't be "nice" and "uncomfortable." It's called boundaries and you have to set them.

So, at anyrate, I decide to have a little talk. I call him over and say "Can I talk to you?" Dude, can you say DEFENSIVE. I mean dude didn't want me to get it out. He kept cutting me off and telling me that he didn't have a problem with me and he wanted to keep it that way. He doesn't think he said anything to offend me and he's sorry if he did. I'm straight trying to talk and he's raising his voice above mine and cuz he doesn't want to hear what I have to say. That's a hot mess and sista girl ain't going. Now, I'm trying to be discreet. I'm talking softly as to not cause a scene, but some people just can't accept that.

Now once my mind is made up, I'm gonna do what I came to do. So despite the fact that he was trying to prevent me from talking, Alicia had something to say. I don't care how nice and sweet you think I am, don't mistake it for weakness. He was going to let me talk. Now I didn't get loud and I remained a lady, but you can't just shut people up cause you don't want to be corrected.

The fact that he didn't want our interaction to change did not mean it didn't need to change. Him talking over me was basically saying, "I know you are going to tell me I'm doing something wrong, but I don't want to change. So I'm not going to listen to you because ignorance is bliss." Now, ain't that a hot mess. I'm sorry you get your kicks from touching me, but I'm not going to let you continue at my expense. What is really going on? You are not going to force yourself on me. I don't care that you are lonely. I have my moments too, but believe me, times ain't that rough. I realize that you have needs, but you need to find someone to help you with them cuz I ain't the one. You betta call on Jesus cuz Alicia can't help you. [Alicia gets off the soap box and exits stage right.]

Anyway

I must confess

Okay, this is my own response to my last blog. You know it is so easy to preach grace and encouragement to people because I really believe it and know that God is able to pick us up out of our mess. However, shortly after writing my last blog about not letting someone count you out, I did just that. I actually wish that I had only counted a basketball team out (Go Bucks!!! Final Four Baby!!!), but this time it was a person.

Sometimes it's just so natural to call a game when the cards are stacked against someone. Grace is a lot easier to extend to a stranger, but when it hits home, that's when the odds really seem insurmountable. It is those moments in our lives when we look at someone else's mess and literally turn up our nose. That's what I did. I turned up my nose, scrunched up my face, and said "yuck, what a waste!" (This is the transparent real talk that I'm known for) Truth is I'm glad that Jesus didn't say that when he was looking at me. He didn't say, "She did what?!?! Why would I waste my blood on her?" It's a good thing that I'm not God because that is probably what I would say.

The amazing thing about grace is that it literally cleanses you from all your filth and shame. Grace knows where you've been, what you've done, and how long you did it. Yet, it still decides to call you, choose you, and cover you. The gifts and calling of God are irrevocable. God knew your mess when he called you, but He also knew that His grace really was sufficient. I guess when I'm having those prideful, self-righteous moments, God reminds me that the same grace that has kept me from my sins (it is by grace that we are saves not of works, lest any man should boast), is the same grace that is able to deliver others from their sins. Grace is so powerful that it doesn't just save us in our mess, but it truly delivers us from our mess.

"Moreover the law entered that the offense might abound. But where sin abounded, grace abounded much more, so that as sin reigned in death, even so grace might reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." Rom 5:20-21

Don't let them count you out

Last night I received a text message to let me know that Ohio State was down by 20 points in their game against Tennessee. Being that I was born in Ohio and lived in Columbus for sometime. I can't help but be an avid Buckeye fan. Win or lose, "Go Bucks!" So when we were down in the first half, a diehard OSU hater decided that it would be a good time to gloat. Of course, I responded with "We can come back." Truth is you can't call a game at half time because only the final score counts.

It's really the same with our lives. Sometimes we screw up in the first half and things aren't going to way we would like them to, but we can still make a come back. Don't let someone count you out just because you are down right now. When the enemy, the avid hater of your soul, wants to gloat, accuse and beat you down, just know that battle is not over and you can still win. How many times do we hear the voices in the background rehearsing our past mistakes? Just know you can still make a comeback. Take a lesson from the Buckeyes and don't let the enemy count you out a halftime, when only the final score counts.

Take the lead

This past weekend I went swing dancing. It is one of the Saturday night activities that I enjoy. Honestly, I'm pretty good on my feet. I've decided that I'm going to have big band at my wedding reception so we can all swing dance. (Not that I'm planning a wedding, or have a ring, or a man....lol)

At any rate, I've made a few observations with swing dancing. For starters, the man must lead. It is not totally impossible to for the woman to lead. I mean I can tell a man how to turn me or where to put his hand, but for us to have a smooth dance, he's got to do it himself. He's got to take the lead.

In today's society, men have stopped taking the lead and many of us women don't know how to follow. But in swing dancing, it's not so. There have been those times when I didn't think the guy was doing the right move so I just put my hand where it was supposed to go, but it just didn't work. He wasn't ready and it just screwed up the whole move. If the man doesn't know what he's doing, the woman never gets a chance to strut her stuff. She's got to keep up with him. However, if a man really knows what he's doing, an inexperienced woman will look great, as long as she follows his lead.

This past weekend, I found it very interesting that I danced with a guy who's moves were too passive and subtle. So as we danced, I was doing guess work. I was guessing where he wanted me to go and in turn I took the dance over a bit more. It's actually the same in relationships. When a man is passive and a woman sees no leadership, she instictively takes over. A man is her security, but when he's not leading she becomes more dominate to give the relationship the stability. However, it's still unnatural.

I also got the change to dance with several guys who know what they were doing. I enjoyed dancing with this one in particular because every move was pointed and confident. I had no question of what he wanted and no problem following his lead. He would guide me in a spin and was quick to snap me back. He was confident in who he was and it freed me to be, it freed me to dance and strut in all my glory. Honestly, I loved every moment of it.

It really is a myth that women don't know how to be submissive and let the man be the head. Gentlemen, I invite you to start taking the lead.

Apples and Wine

I thought this was pretty accurate so I decided to share...lol.

Apples and Wine Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with. Share this with all the good apples you know.

I did say pretty accurate not a 100%. lol

Coach Dungy on pain

This is a portion of a speech that Colts Head Coach Tony Dungy gave at the Athletes in Action breakfast Saturday morning before the Super Bowl. In this speech, he is talking about his youngest son Jordan who suffers from a rare congenital conditions that causes him not to feel pain...

"He feels things, but he doesn't get the sensation of pain," Dungy said. The lessons learned from Jordan, Tony Dungy said, are many. "That sounds like it's good at the beginning, but I promise you it's not," Dungy said. "We've learned a lot about pain in the last five years we've had Jordan. We've learned some hurts are really necessary for kids. Pain is necessary for kids to find out the difference between what's good and what's harmful."
Jordan, Dungy said, loves cookies.

"Cookies are good," Dungy said, "but in Jordan's mind, if they're good out on the plate, they're even better in the oven. He will go right into the oven when my wife's not looking, reach in, take the rack out, take the pan out, burn his hands and eat the cookies and burn his tongue and never feel it. He doesn't know that's bad for him." Jordan, Dungy said, "has no fear of anything, so we constantly have to watch him."

The lesson learned, Dungy said, is simple.

"You get the question all the time, 'Why does the Lord allow pain in your life? Why do bad things happen to good people? If God is a God of love, why does he allow these hurtful things to happen?''' Dungy said. "We've learned that a lot of times because of that pain, that little temporary pain, you learn what's harmful. You learn to fear the right things. "Pain sometimes lets us know we have a condition that needs to be healed. Pain inside sometimes lets us know that spiritually we're not quite right, and we need to be healed and that God will send that healing agent right to the spot. "Sometimes, pain is the only way that will turn us as kids back to the Father."

I know that I'm not the only one who feels pain; we all do. I thought this was a good reminder that the pain in our lives does serve a purpose and is only temporary. We learn from it. We learn what not to touch and what not to do. Pain is a teacher that we must listen to. Sometimes we are trying so hard to things that are harmful to us and pain drives us to let those things and people go. So praise God in the midst of your pain because He is still guiding, teaching, and controling your situation. God knows what is best.

He gives and takes away

Today has been a very interesting day. I'm a very happy to announce that I'm a new auntie. My sister Tracy had a 7 lb baby boy today about 11:50 am EST. So of course I'm glad that a new life has been brought into the world. There's one more baby in the family.

Maybe two hours after I was greeted with that news, I learned that a co-worker passed this morning. Kimella Rush now rest awaiting her Lord. Her toils in this life our over, her work on earth is done, and her battle with cancer is over. To live is Christ and to die is gain.

This song describes the day...

Blessed Be Your Name
by Matt Redman

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to sayLord,
blessed be Your name

How bad do you want it?

This is the time of year that we all make resolutions of what we want for the new year. Some want to shed 20 lbs, get out of debt, go back to school, find a husband/wife, or whatever else you can think of. We all have goals that we want to reach. My question is how bad do you want it.

This year I decided that I want to lose a few pounds and when my alarm clock went off. I couldn't seem to get out of the bed to do tae-bo with Billy. Instead, I decided to spend part of my lunch walking. As I was walking, I started thinking of this song by Tim McGraw. It's the first track on the cd, "How bad do you want it?" Then it clicked. How bad do you really want it?

God has given us everything that pertains to life and godliness. There are so many promises that God has given us, but the question is how bad do you want them. Are you willing to go in and possess the land? Caanan was the land of promise, but the Israelites still had to go in and possess it. God had promised victory, but they still had to fight the battle.

How bad do you want to shed those pound? Bad enough to pass up the dessert and spend some time in exercise. How bad do you want to get out debt? Bad enough to cut out that bi-weekly trip to the beauty shop or nail salon. You looking for a mate? Are you willing to work on yourself to be that man/woman of God.

Sometimes we are looking for God to just come down from heaven, but we are already seated in heavenly places next to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. We bring heaven to earth with our faith and speaking the word of God ("Whatever you speak shall come to pass"). Jesus has done his work, then he filled us with the Holy Spirit so we can continue it ("greater works than these"). God has empowered you. So don't sit back thinking...is God going to do this for me. He already has. The question is...How bad do you want it?