2007 Reflection...It's been a good year

This afternoon, I received a text that said, "Remember: It's complete in 07 so let's get ready for new beginnings in 08." That really got me to thinking about the past year and the things that God has accomplished in it. All in all, it's been a good year and God has truly completed a work. So, here's the break down (Note: Don't e-mail or call me asking questions about details concerning things mentioned in this blog. I included the details I wanted you to know. I love you guys and thanks for loving me too.):

The beginning of February, I had a Friday off from work and I was clearly having a moment. I'm snot-nosed before the throne talking to Daddy. I'd been having these crying spells for a few weeks now and was sick of using my hormones as my excuse…go figure ladies. So, I'm reading the bible and came across a passage that I'd read hundreds of times before, but it stuck me in a new way.

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written: 'For Your sake we are killed all day long; We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.' Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Rom 8:35-39

After reading this passage, I realized that Paul knew something that I didn't. He was persuaded about God's love, and I wasn't. Not only did I doubt its depth, but sometimes I doubted its very existence. So, I asked the Lord to allow me to be persuaded.

After that warm and fuzzy prayer asking God to allow me to be persuaded about His love, you would expect warm and fuzzy experiences. Of course, that is not what I got. It's not to say that God didn't give me blessings and answer my prayers in noticeable ways, but the trials ahead would cause me to question the very nature of God. I remember lamenting the very existence of love. It seemed to me a curse rather than a blessing, and I wanted no part of it. It really was a crossroad because the very nature of God is love and it seemed to be a nature that I abhorred.

Life happened, events followed, and to say the least, I was devastated. I was angry at God, a few people, and of course, myself. I didn't want to be close to God anymore. I just wanted to be close enough as not to upset him, but far enough for him not to hurt me because I blamed him for everything that happened. We didn't talk much for a while. I told Him that I wouldn't do the blatant sins that are clearly against his word, but as for the other stuff, I wasn't doing anything extra. So, I came from underneath my vow.

Meanwhile, depression was kicking my butt and I literally couldn't get through a day at work without a few crying breaks. I revived an old addiction to help numb pain. It eased my mind for a moment, but I knew it wasn't a healthy way to deal with my emotions. Soon, I made a decision not to be a pissed off, bitter, 40 years old woman. Because at 25, I knew that if I held on to the hurt and pain, in fifteen years, that's what I'd be. As Donna Partow says, "One of the crowning acts of Satan is a bitter old woman. Hate and resentment are eating her up not because of her sin, but her sinful response to someone else's sin." That being said, I took my butt to counseling because I wasn't trying to be pissed off the rest of my life.

I must pause here a moment to say something of God's mercy and his goodness. In this time, I couldn't really pray, but God had so many people praying for me. People would walk up to me and say, "God woke me up a 4:30 this morning to pray for you. I don't know what you are going through, but He's gonna bring you out." Others would stop me to let me know they were praying. I'd tell God that I didn't feel like talking to him, and He would give me a dream to let me know that someone was praying for me. Months later, I found out people who I hadn't even talked to for a long time were praying me through. The Bible talks about bearing one another's burdens. God knows what we can bear, and what we need help with. He always sends help. Whether you know or not, whether you can feel it or not, God is working things out for your good. Situations get bad, but God is always good.

Right before my 26th birthday, the light broke through. It didn't just break in the one particular situation, but stuff I was dealing with for years broke. A flood of compassion filled my heart for the people that I had been so angry with. God's grace overflowed my heart and I couldn't help but extend it to those who had wronged me. While I knew forgiveness was the better option for years, it now became the only option. I let go of the pain I'd been carrying, and picked up the lighter load…forgiveness.

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

Soon, I could understand love in new way because God's allowed me to find his love through redemption. There was this list of things that had happened to me in my life that the enemy would rehearse in my mind as evidence that God didn't love me. While people are tempted to think that suffering is evidence that God doesn't love them, suffering is usually used to demonstrate the depths of God's heart. The greatest example of God's love is demonstrated through redemption, and there is no redemption without suffering.

I've experienced things this year that have literally tried to shake the very foundation of my faith. This year, I'd questioned the very nature of God, and at time, I thought that I'd found it wanting. I accused God of being the source of my pain. I wept as I pondered giving up on God, feeling that serving him was fruitless. In fact, I began to wonder if that's what He ultimately wanted me to do, after faithfully running the race so long to give up and not receive the promise. I listened as Satan told me that God wanted me to fail.

Now, as I look over the past year, I can say with certainty, "God is good." I can understand why the congregation of Israel just chanted "His mercy endures forever!" I am now convinced that my good God does not do bad things. He does work in the midst them because in his mercy, he does not waste a single moment or a single event. He does not waste our pain or our hurts, but rather He redeems the time. We can "count it all joy when we face various trials, knowing that the testing of our faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that we may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."

In a few hours, this year will be over. I had one request of the Lord for this year, and I prayed it one Friday afternoon in early February. I was envious of Paul because he was persuaded, regardless of what happened in this life or the life to come, there was nothing that could separate him from the love of God. And I begged God that day to let me be persuaded. God answered. It wasn't the way I wanted him to answer and I would have rather to be spared some tears. Yet, He answered and I am persuaded about his heart and persuaded about his love for me. Come hell or high water, broken heart or broken dream, in plenty or in lack, I am persuaded that there is nothing that can separate can separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

"When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God." Ephesians 3:14-19 NLT

Happy New Year,

Alicia

Avocado Story...there is a point.

Now some of you will think I'm crazy for telling this story, but just follow me. Those of you who read my blogs on the reg, already know the business.

A few weeks ago, I went to the grocery store and bought an avocado. It was green and I was hoping that it would be green for a while because I wasn't going to eat it right off. That thing was ripe in two days. It was nice and soft. Well, I didn't want it when it got ripe so I put it in the refrigerator. A few days went by, and I would just look at that avocado in the fridge. Then, I'd say a short prayer..."Jesus, bless my avocado and let it still be good when I decide to cut it." Okay, so I did this for like a week or two. I got the avocado like the Sunday before I went to Vegas. So this thing spent a good two weeks in my refrigerator after being ripe.

So finally, today, I took my avocado to work and cut it. It was so pretty; not a single brown spot! It was gorgeous. Just absolutely beautiful! Beautifully Ripe!!!

My point: God is concerned with the smallest details of our lives. We've all had produce go bad on us, and we almost expect it. It's not a big deal. So, why would God even care? It concerned Him, because it concerned me. This is the God who keeps the universe on course, He tells the ocean where to stop, and the sun when to shine. Yet, he has time to keep my avocado from going bad.

If he cares enough about the small things in our lives, how much more does he care about the big things? If he is listening to the arbitrary prayers (I'm not going to lose my faith over a piece of fruit gone bad.), how much more does he hear those prayers that are so dear our hearts?

Sometimes we feel like we are bothering God with our request, but he cares. "For the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him." God is looking for ways to show up in our lives. He seizes every opportunity...even the a moment as simple as keeping an avocado fresh.

Call it what you like (didn’t feel like coming up with a name.)

Today marks 10 years...my only consolation is knowing that God doesn't waste. He doesn't waste the moments in our lives...not the good ones, or the bad. We sometimes waste...we waste time, energy, emotions, and resources. However, in the midst of all our waste and bad choices, God is resourceful and works it all out for our good. That's hard to believe sometimes and even harder to walk out.

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living.

Wait on the LORD;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the LORD!

Ps 27:13-14

Beauty...I'm so sexy

Most of my life I've been a thick girl. I lost some weight a few years ago and I've put most of it back on. I think that I will head back to Weight Watchers at the beginning of the year because I need the discipline back in my life. All that being said, I feel SO FREAKING SEXY! I feel so confident in who I am right now. It's not to say that I don't have those moments when I'm displeased with my body, but in general, I'm pleased with myself.

There may be a few of you who are reading this thinking that all that confidence will lead or has already led to pride. But, I'm not writing this blog because of pride, but because of contentment. Sometimes we strive so hard for this sense of perfection in our lives. We are constantly trying to please people or fit into some mold. People think that if they just alter their appearance they will be happy and everything will go well. They will be more attractive or get more attention. But, there is something so beautiful and freeing about being comfortable in the skin that you are in.

I understand what it feels like to not know your own beauty and to think that you are ugly. I know all too well the journey of finding beauty in yourself especially when your big hips cannot fit into the box society has marked "beautiful."

Now, I have the joy of loving myself more than I ever have. It honestly goes far beyond my appearance because that is just a branch of this towering oak. It's the joy of contentment. It's the freedom you find in knowing your place in Christ. It's not having to live up to someone else's standard, but the courage to set your own. It's the power of letting go of past hurts, rejection, the need for approval, even some of my own expectations.

There is something to be said of having a mind change. People say that beauty is skin deep, but I would disagree. Beauty must be at your very core and it starts from the inside out. When beauty is at your very heart, it seeps out of your pores. When you change your mind, you change your outlook. Changing your outlook changes how you see yourself. How you see yourself determines the value you place on yourself. The value you place on yourself will be the value others place on you. Don't stop at having a beautiful body, but make sure you have a beautiful mind.

Remembering an old friend

Today marks the anniversary of the passing of a dear friend, Mark Kudnik. He was such a wonderful man of God. When he entered the room, you knew it. His grin was always from ear to ear, and there was always praises on his lips.

I'll always remember those days I spent in the hospital room with him, and learned at his bedside. In his last days, all he talked about was his daughter. He knew that he hadn't been the best dad and he regretted that, but he loved her so much and just longed for her to know that. Heaven only knows how much I needed that; I needed to know that just because a father wasn't there didn't mean that he didn't care. I needed to know that he loved his daughter to help me believe that my father loved me.

Those days in the hospital with Mark helped me to see a different side of the coin. We ususally live in our own paradigm and never try to see anything different. But, I'm glad that God gave me a moment to glimpse into the heart of a father. He also put in my heart a desire for true and lasting reconciliation.

Over the past year, a lot has change. I've grown in so many different ways. I've forgiven those who hurt me. I let go of past pain. I also threw out the script I was rehearsing called "The Drama of My Life." In fact, this Father's Day, I made a list, not of what he didn't do, but all that he did do. I took time to remember the good stuff that goes unnoticed because we are trippin about the bad. Truthfully, Mark was a big part of that. Those weeks going to the hospital every day served as a catalyst for something that was so wonderful...grace and forgiveness. Thank you so much, Mark. I love you and you are not forgotten.

"To live as Christ, and to die is gain."

Just an observation

These days interracial dating is at a all time high. For me, it's neither here nor there. People do what they want and I'm not trippin off of it at all. I just must share this observation that I have found. Maybe someone can help me understand this. I have noticed when I got out with my girls in a laid back setting where we are mingling whenever there is a black guy with a white girl he feels compelled to come over and talk to us. I'm not really talking about hey how ya doing. No, he feels the need talk us, act goofy to make us laugh, and do some kinda song and dance.

I'm a pretty friendly and outgoing person and this would be okay if he didn't leave his white girlfriend/date on the other side of the room. Or, if she is close by he doesn't mention her or introduce her. I'm not sure about what anyone else thinks, but that is rude.

Once my ex did something like that. He's off talking to my friends not sure how to say something to me, and this girl is just standing there looking waaaaay out of place. Me being Alicia, I start talking to her. Ummm...she's there so how about we acknowledge her. I start swiftly walking down the street and he's walking fast trying to keep up with me. She is in heels several paces behind us trying to keep up. Say it with me guys..."That's rude."

Another time, Marla and I went to Coco Cafe. There is this black guy with a white girlfriend who felt compelled to come talk to us. So he's laughing and joking with us; telling us his life story. Once again, his girlfriend is just standing there. So, Marla and I start talking to her and include her in the conversation. We kinda felt bad for her cuz her man was cocky as all get out. Then, he looks at us kinda funny and says, "I'm really surprised you guys are talking to her, most black women don't." Well, let's think about this...if you stick her in a corner and you don't acknowledge her presence, I can understand why other people around won't acknowledge her presence. If you interact with her like there's something wrong, then that is what other people are going to do. Don't blame that mess on black women, when you are acting like she's not there.

Once again, tonight the same thing happened. A black guy with a white girl is all in our faces at karaoke. Now when he was sitting with her, she was hugging on him. However, he kept coming to our table trying to make conversation with us, while she was off in the cut. He got up to sing a song, "Joanna, I love you." And he dedicates the song to us, not to his girl. When we get up to leave, he's gives us hugs and has yet to mention or introduce the girl who's been hugging on him. (We did help her learn the Cupid Shuffle though.) But, as for his behavior...say it with me..."That's rude."

This is just an observation I'm making. When I see a black man with a black woman, I guarantee you he is not at our table striking up a conversation or doing a song and dance without that woman at his side. In fact, she's doing most of the talking. When I see a white man with a black woman, I don't see him flirting at a table full of white females. Help me to understand what's really going on. I personally think it's rude for you not to acknowledge the presence of the person you are with regardless of their race.

Opinions

A wise person once told me..."Other people's opinion of you is none of your business." I've added my own addendum to it..."God's opinion is the only one that counts."

That is something that we all have to come to grips with and until we do, we are walking in bondage. There is such a freedom that comes in not being a slave to other people's opinion. We all want to please the people we care about or love. Sometimes, we try to please people to make them love or care about us. It's pretty innate with in us to want the approval of others, but eventually we must learn that we can't rule our lives by it. It's really hit or miss, and if that's what we are going by, we will be on a roller coaster for the rest of our lives. Interesting thing about roller coasters is that they go 65 mph, up and down hills, through hoops, around twist and turns and in the end, you are back where you started from. Only now, you have a headache. That's exactly what happens when we try to live our lives pleasing other people.

This weekend I had a conversation with someone I love, someone I know loves me too. A few months back the person told me in so many words that I was a big disappointment to them. No one wants to be told that, it can be hurtful and sometimes cause bitterness or resentment. It's tempting to stay there. However, I decided to do two things.

The first thing I decided to do was take inventory. You know what I found; I'm not living a disappointing life. There are times when people speak curses in our lives, but we make the choice whether or not we receive them. Just because someone speaks it doesn't make it the truth. The infamous they has so many things to say, but that doesn't make it true. They talk about you, they talk about me, they talk about us, and they talk about them. They never stop talking; so we just have to stop listening. So let God be true and every man a liar. They may not be pleased, but what does God think? They may never forgive you, but God already has. You may not be doing that they want you to do, but are you doing what God called you to? Despite the opinions of others, a quick inventory revealed that while they found reason for disappointment, I found none. In fact, I'm pretty pleased because this branch is remaining in the Vine and is bearing much fruit.

I'd done inventory months ago, when the statement was first made, but I finally got around to doing the second thing...confrontation. Too many of us are holding on to past hurts and past offenses. Jesus told us that if we had a problem with someone to go to them and settle the score, then bring your offering. People are sick, stressed, and depressed because they won't settle the score. Carrying hurts, pains, unforgiveness, offenses, and whatever else does not make you a martyr. Telling everybody about everything that they did is probably not going to get you a book deal, or make you the screenwriter for the next major motion picture. But if you are looking for tumors, backaches, anxiety, clinical depression, heartburn, migraines, and/or a plethora of other sicknesses and diseases your anger, bitterness, and resentment over what they have done will definitely aid you.

At any rate, back to my story...confrontation. By confrontation I do not mean a shouting match or the blame game. This weekend, it was just a conversation and I brought up the whole disappointment thing. I told them that I had thought about what they had said and came to the conclusion that I wasn't living a disappointing life. Funny thing is that didn't stop them from being disappointed, but we both walked away with the understanding that their disappointment is not my burden to bear. Their opinion of me is none of my business.